You can totally mistake a slipper for a cat when you don’t have your glasses on. Even after you pet it, you can’t be sure.
You Might Also Like
I love traveling with my husband because it gives us an opportunity to bicker in new and exotic locations.
My friends most commonly describe me as “who?”
Walking around cemeteries looking at headstones is a great way to come up with baby names.
My kids: what are we having for…
ME: LEFTOVERS
I found a bat in my basement & my first reaction was to run to the door so the light could get in, because I saw it done in a vampire movie.
TWO hops this time?
In this economy?
My gf told me that I punched her in the face while I was sleeping last night. I apologized because I totally remember being awake for that.
The struggle when hungry me has to eat the lunch that healthy me packed
[Army Shooting Range]
Officer: Are you locked & loaded?
Soldiers: YES SIR!
Officer: You may fire at will!
Soldier Named Will: WTF?
[watching as my wife throws out a box of miscellaneous cords] no! my legacy
Putting carrot sticks in the break room next to the cake is considered work place violence, Jim. Security will see you out.
Drew blood trying to take a sexy lip bite pic and now I’m on vampire twitter. So, bye, I guess.
If you guys don’t keep a child-sized oar in the car to row past slow drivers I’m not even sure you’re livin’ right.
I’ll never understand why we aren’t buried in our final resting place wearing pajamas.
[5 mins after seeing our neighbour’s new boat]
wife: “everything’s a competition to you”
me: [trying to find the moon on eBay] “no it’s not”
Always
I hate when I grab a live wire and everyone sees my damn skeleton
Me: You’re on my VERY LAST NERVE!
2020: Nope.
Just once I’d like to see 25 tiny cars come out of a clown.
All my passwords are protected … by my poor memory.
All I’m saying is if I was murdered there’d be a lot of suspects
Instruments were designed to be actually played, not “air played,” Kirk.
hate those people that go 15+ years without talking to you and then the first thing they say when they see you is “hows your mom?” like, dude,, youre my dad, you should know
[doctor presses play]
couple: maybe a different donor
Husband: Uses one pillow for his pillow wall.
Me: Adds 4 pillows, 12 bricks and 5 feet of 15.5 gauge barbed wire.
My whole life I would put old bananas in the trash but when I got married I learned that first they go in the freezer to sit for a long time and then they go in the trash.
Bringing in an edit button would deny us glorious tweets like these
Most annoying times to be attacked by bees
3. Seconds after selling your beekeeper’s suit
2. A day before you’re due to set a record for the longest anyone’s gone without being stung by a bee
1. During a battle to the death with your arch-nemesis who’s wearing a beekeeper’s suit
Sometimes I think I should introduce myself to my neighbors just so they don’t describe me to the police as “Quiet and keeps to herself.”