You can train a cat to do whatever it wants you to do
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I would describe most of my social interactions at parties as “when you turn on the kitchen faucet and the water hits a spoon in the sink”
[during sex]
gf: this is so hot, seth!seth macfarlane: shut up, I’ll do all the voices!
gf:
seth [feminine voice]: this is so hot, seth!
If I have a son, he’s going to be named Alvin Simon Theodore, and it’ll be funny as hell whenever anyone gets mad and yells his full name.
If someone stands you up and doesn’t call, stay positive. They could be dead.
Friendly but loud reminder to NOT FEED STALE DUCKS TO BREAD k
Comic 🥺👉👈💗❤️🔥
WIFE: Where are you off to?
ME: Shits & giggles.
WIFE: What?
ME: I’m gonna read funny tweets on the toilet.
[GRAND CANYON]
WIFE: Isn’t this incredible?
ME: It’s ok.
WIFE: Were you expecting a thousand canyons?
ME: I don’t want to talk about it
Me: I need to make better life choices.
Also me: CAKE FOR BREAKFAST IT IS.
Jackenhaal and Gyllenhaal went up the Hyllenhaal.
[commercial for boiling water]
*enemies at castle wall are splashed with cool refreshing water*
castle guard: there must be a better way!
[The shark attack sketch]
Him: I’m terrified of being attacked by a shark.
Her: You’re so dumb. The chances of that happening are less than one in three million. Lol.[fin]
my wife went to Costco 3 hours ago and now she’s ignoring my calls. this can’t be a good sign.
Sorry if I unfollow you. It’s nothing personal, I just hate the things you say and do, and who you are as a person.
God spoketh unto Noah and The Lord sayeth “build an ark.” God spoketh once more and The Lord sayeth “Simon says build an ark” and it was so.
A wine sampling? How delightful. I’d also like to experience only a titch of love and a morsel of happiness.
San Francisco has too many rules
“What’s your name?”
“Sharky.”
“Is that your real name?”
“Does it matter?”
“I guess not.”
*hands me my order*
by age 35 you should hate at least 4 neighborhood kids
Walking around naked is a great motivator to get back to the gym
Safety first
My Mom has been smelling something burning since 1983.
The opposite of self-deprecating humor is accounting.
Instead of making jokes at your own expense, you makes jokes about other people’s expenses.
#AccountingDay #RubbishJokes
If you’re feeling too good about yourself, go ask a 5 yr old to guess your age. That should even things out.
Today I worked from home, ran 10 miles, homeschooled my kids, cleaned the house, made a delicious dinner, and got my kids to bed early. It’s amazing what you can accomplish when you lie.
“Whats the deal with all this airline food?”
-Sharks in Malaysia
astronaut: houston come in
houston: this had better be important
astronaut: it’s urgent
houston: fine what
astronaut: [drinking soda out of the air] rootbeer float
ME: I quit texting and driving after the accident.
HER: Were you hurt?
[flashback to 12 hot dogs rolling off the dashboard]
ME: So hurt.