You can trust me, but not “leave me unattended around cake” trust me.
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Ughhhh my neck is killing me ..
*how I slept
Cooking fresh fruit with sugar is my jam.
Him: It’s been like 30 years, I think you should let it go.
Me: It could still happen.
Him:
Me: [to my John Taylor Duran Duran poster] He’s just jealous.
Wait for it…
This is *probably* the best villainous hair reveal in cinema history.
Bananas.
Because you can’t stick a watermelon in a tailpipe.
Woo hoo, July 4th wknd! Popped opened a beer, unbottoned my pants, put my feet up. My boss keeps looking at me weird, though.
ME: *pleased* Honey, I folded the dishes.
WIFE:
M:
W: The laundry.
M: No the dish…
W:
M:
W: What?
M: We need new dishes.
Hubs said we should only drink one night a week…. But he didn’t say anything about the day 😜 #sundayfunday
I accidentally had two energy drinks today and now my house is decorated for Christmas.
My boss yelled at me for napping at work, even though I had a clearly posted “do not disturb” sign.
🌱🌱🌱
If you didn’t get called to a meeting with your 5-yr-old son’s principal because he was inviting girls to his “naked party,” you aren’t me.
I’m really sorry you figured out my tweet was directed squarely at you, person I’ve never interacted with or thought about before.
Are you supposed to wear the fanny pack over the gut or underneath it? I don’t want to look like a dork.
I answer my front door in my coat, if it’s someone I want to see I say I’ve just got in and if it’s someone I really don’t want to see I say I was just on my way out, works every time.
Waiter, Waiter, I would like some lamb chops and make them lean.
Certainly Sir, forwards or backwards?
#WaiterJokes #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
“What if we took the sound of a cow giving birth and turned it into music?”
– inventor of the bagpipe
Do you think animals have famous animals in their social groups, or do you think they worship celebrities? But a group of cows worshiping a super sexy cow – does that happen?
Me: I want more
Dentist: excuse me?
Me: you know how you take teeth out?
Dentist: yea
Me: do that but the opposite
The only time that my wife screams my name in bed is when I break wind in my sleep.
I’m going to write a great tweet even if it kills me
The wife: write two in case you survive the 1st
There’s no such thing as a five second rule if you’re putting it on someone else’s plate.
My mom is downstairs with my husband asking him if his co-workers are “fun” and “cute”. He’s miserable and I’m crying laughing. #BadWife
Shoulder Devil: So I say “Go on–do it!” And the moron does it!
Shoulder Angel: What an idiot!
Me: You guys know I can hear you, right?
I want to live in a clean house but the whole living in it is really getting in the way.
Hard as they try, cats are absolutely not helpful when making beds.
I recently purchased some really good kitchen knives so now I have to stock up on bandaids because I clearly don’t know how to use really good kitchen knives.
[Christmas]
ME: You know how you wanted that new keurig?
HER: YES!? {rips open present} IT’S IT’S- just a cup of coffee?
ME: {whispering in her ear} From a keuriiiiiig.
I always look for the best looking cashier at the supermarket and always end up at the self checkout lane
Can’t, I’m in big trouble with the wife. I didn’t notice a new piece of furniture for two months.