You can trust me, but not “leave me unattended around garlic bread” trust me.
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I’ve stopped checking my bank account because ignorance is bliss and I deserve to be happy
Look sad dragging a kite on the ground at the park and sometimes people will let you join their picnic.
“Here’s Ted with the weather.”
“…”
“I said… Here’s Ted with the weather.”
“…”
“Ted?”
“THAT’s what an unanswered text feels like, Sue.”
Home improvement
but it’s just me replacing the metal tubes in the neighbor’s wind chimes with tampons.
“WHY ARE THEY STEALING OUR TRASH!?”
~ My kid, horrified that the garbage men are doing their job.
angel: what should zebras look like?
god: completely innocent
angel: ok
god: they could do no wrong
angel: got it
god: so paint ‘em like the hamburglar
Wishing everyone who’s visiting their parents for Christmas a very water tastes wrong.
4: Let’s play.
Me: Ok.
4: You can be the mommy.
Me: Sure.
4: You’ll have to figure out what all the kids eat.
Me: Nope, I’m out.
To all my friends who lost weight- I found it
My wife and I toss a coin to settle our arguments. If the coin comes down, she wins, if it stays suspended in air forever, I win.
4-yr-old saw picture of me pregnant.
I explain that she was inside me. She thought for a bit then said:
“I never want to do that again.”
“So, which burner is your favorite? Mine is usually the back left.” -Me, trying to make friends in my 30’s
[god creating raccoons]
Take a cat and make him look like he’s committing crimes
Atheists don’t seem to recognize church is worth it for the bake sales alone.
God, or no god, those are good Brownies.
Just go ahead and put “She always had to pee” on my tombstone, because that’s how everyone’s going to remember me.
love pickles so much i put myself in one
screaming until I turn this migraine into an us-graine 😉
I put a message in an empty wine bottle and threw it in the ocean.
It said, “Please refill and return to sender.”
Now I wait.
Sometimes when I’m in the shower I’ll hear a strange noise and start singing EXTRA good in case the intruder has some connections.
50 years ago, nerds were smart. Now a nerd is just someone who likes Star Wars and eats a lot of cereal.
I bet da Vinci told Mona Lisa to smile more and that’s why he’s dead now.
My husband keeps texting me he loves me and that i’m hot, what a weirdo like calm down pal, we’re married
BREAKING: area man is calculated by height times width
I always sharpen my guest bed of nails before my mother-in-law comes to visit.
[True Love’s gf on 7th day of Christmas, forcing smile]
awww Swans! how sweet! thx hon, these 7 birds will go nicely with the other 16 birds
oh shoot the farmers market was out of cocoa krispies and actually ‘never had them’ and they ‘don’t think I understand what a farmers market is’
I’m annoyed giraffes don’t eat birds directly outta the sky
Don’t listen to your heart. It’s just a pump receiving commands from the brain. Don’t listen to your brain, either. If it had any good ideas, you wouldn’t be here now.
Slowly he climbs into
my bed. Our eyes meet,
I can feel his desire.His need for me and only me.
• The cat wants to be fed.