You can try to take off my granny panties, but they’ll just grow back stronger.
You Might Also Like
How’s your Saturday going?
I’ll go first: my 10 yo came upstairs from his video game haze to tell me the dog peed on the rug again. We don’t have a dog.
*at picnic*
Him: Oh great, you brought a bottle of wine.
Me: Sure did! Where’s yours?
Him: …
Me: …
Him: Uhmmmm
Me: Guess only one of us is drinking then.
My 6yo: There’s no school on Friday because it’s a teacher planning day. What does that mean?
Me: [mumbling] They plan on screwing up my Friday, that’s what.
Wife: How’d this get broken?
Me: Probably the kids.
Wife: We don’t have any kids.
Me: *already sprinted out the front door*
I’m sick and my son just brought me tea and said let me know if you need anything else my queen so I bumped him up in the will and gave him ice cream for dinner.
[checking bag at the airport]: yes, that is indeed a bag
Damn, girl, are you a customer looking for a great deal, because my clothes are 75% off.
Mulder: it’s some sort of over-fed grim reaper judgment figure.
Scully: we’re at the mall, Mulder. That’s just Santa.
Hey Amish person reading this: Busted.
Texted my wife that our 4-year-old jumped rope for the first time. Later, she came home & said to him, “I heard you jumped rope today?”
He replied, “How did you hear me do that? You were at work!”
Why yes, YouTube, I *did* want to watch part 5 when part 2 ended. How did you know?
ME: how old is your son?
WOMAN WHO STILL CAN’T ACCEPT THAT HER BABY HAS GROWN UP AND MOVED OUT: 288 months
*pronounces surface like Versace*
The only way I’d want to watch a video of you pouring a bucket of ice water over your head is if you promise you drown at the end.
My Grandma saw all of your tweets about stepping on Legos & asked if any of you cream puffs have ever heard of a game called Jacks?
HER: I’m leaving!
ME: Is it because I always put Doritos in your shoes?
*she just turns & walks away*
(crunch)
(crunch)
(crunch)
(crunch)
My husband has been singing Mambo Number 5 for an hour. If he keeps this up, his next tune will be Divorce Number 1.
DIE HARD (1988)
Rated R, 2 hrs. 12 min.
The dead guy from The Sixth Sense throws Snape out of a window. Merry Christmas!
Please send yard fairy. Or a genie. Or your firstborn. Anyone that will cut grass will do
Me: *gets on scale*
5yo: Whoa! That’s a lot of points!
*reads online that you should befriend your coworkers with some water cooler talk*
ME (to coworker): So, are you into water coolers?
I’ll wear a neckerchief but I’m not calling it that.
Waiter: Any questions about the menu?
Me: Exactly how old are these ancient grains? I don’t want to eat anything that’s expired.
[tearing off our clothes]
Her: I want you. Take off your shoes.
*kicks flip-flop through her TV*
[bed]
M: “I’m freezing.”
H: *rolls over, adjusts pillows and blankets, wraps around me*
[1 min later]
M: “I’m hot, get off me.”
There’s not a day that goes by where I don’t think about that Backstreet Boy asking his pals, “am I sexual?” & they’re like, “yeah.”
Maybe next year… ☔️
#GreatBritishSummer #Rain
therapist: describe this picture
me: that’s my father yelling at me
therapist: and this one
me: you having sex with my wife
therapist: and this one
me: aren’t these normally ink blots
Me: So how old were you when you hacked your first person?
Friend: 6th grade
Me: Wow, you were good with computers early on in life.
Friend: Computers?
Dean Martin: When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie
Neil deGrasse Tyson: I don’t even know where to begin with this