You can use the phrase “lickity split” as much as you want at work and they can’t fire you.
You Might Also Like
I wasn’t allowed to watch “A Charlie Brown Christmas” as a kid because of my Peanut allergy.
HITMAN: Who’s the target?
ME: [slides photo across table]
HITMAN: You..want me to kill Shrek?
ME: Not Shrek [taps photo] his talkative horse
Getting older sucks. I hurt my back trying to flirt.
Nothing is more terrifying than your wife walking into a room you were just in and yelling “Can you come here for a minute please?”
cruella deville’s mother being killed by dalmatians is the funniest possible origin story. like what if batman had said “i am going to wear robbers”
Filming myself playing the violin like it’s a cello to catfish the giant community
Convince neighbours you’re shrinking by walking past their window with progressively larger jars of hellmann’s mayonnaise.
sweetie, she doesn’t mean anything to me. please look at me
My parents didn’t raise me to be rude, I had to practice
I told my tween son to spend 10 minutes cleaning his room. He then attempted to convince me for the next 20 minutes he was too busy to clean his room.
realization:
the asteroid that ended the dinosaurs was technically the highest ratio of killing birds to one stone in earths history
Shoe Salesman: (taking measurements) looks like a size 10 would be a perfect fit
Ronald McDonald: I said (clenching teeth) bring me a size 44
My wife thinks that I don’t care for her relatives.
I told her that’s not true. I love her mother-in-law more than I love mine.
My dad is helping me clean my apartment. He picked up my vr controller and asked “Do I wanna know what this is? I’m not judging”
Please send help, I’m am deceased.
*steps away from meeting to send my sister a puking emoji*
Every time a plumber swears assume they’re going to add $100 to your bill.
Great seizure this morning! We found 10 kg of c*****e in a statue. The 9kg of c*****e was weighed and bagged and, I can tell you, 7kg of c*****e took a fair few bags. We’ll hand the 4kg to the police after analysing the 2kg first. Well done Customs on finding the 300 grams!
Neighbor found religion and I found spirits.
[work meeting]
This is Jim, our new office manager but so far all he’s managed to do is get diabetes & lose a couple of custody battles.
62% of marriage conversation is just
spouses stating “I never said that.”
My husband has officially reached peak dad status.
Driving through Sequoia National Park and he turned the radio off so everyone could see.
I remember when it was just limbo dancers asking “how low can you go?”, now it seems like everyone in the news wants to answer that.
“Theirye’re” problem solved
*first day of umpire school*
Teacher: You seem disappointed, is there something wrong?
Me: *wearing fake fangs* no no it’s fine
Wife: “Are you ok? You look exhausted.”
Me: “I saw one of those silica gel packs that says ‘Do Not Eat’ 4 days ago & I’m starving to death”
This will be the last time you see this meme on your TL.
Accidentally texted “Olay” instead of “Okay” and now my text has a smooth, youthful look.
How to properly use a paper clip:
1. Throw in garbage
2. Use a stapler
me: [tries to spend time with kids. They don’t want to]
[Bed time]
Kids: I wanna do something with you! You don’t spend time with us!!