You can wonder about other people’s motivations or you can hit yourself in the head with a hammer, and the end result is roughly the same.
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My safe word is now just a dry cough.
This could be us… but you playing
Check out some of these wacky signs you guys sent in! 👎⚠️ #FallonTonight
GUY: Do you want to play fantasy football?
ME: Okay, I’m a quarterback with wings
Guess who went all day without dropping food on her shirt?
Not me, but I’m sure somebody somewhere did.
Parenting is letting the kids fight it out over who showers first while you sneak away to take your own shower without interruption.
[landlord walks in apartment]
“I told you no pets!”That’s a stray gerbil.
“And those fish??”
…stray fish. SHOO FISH, SCRAM
Swing states aren’t as much fun as they sound.
“I’m Bond. James Bond”.
Well, Mr Bond. Allow me to introduce myself.
I’m Evil. Ken Evil.
[speeds cycle up ramp]
[jumps 8 cars & a bus]
The first five days after the weekend are the worst.
You know it’s a BBQ type holiday weekend when there are a thousand people in the spice aisle at the grocery store just staring at the spices
Date palm: a tree that also describes my romantic life.
Premarital counseling should be having the couple put together IKEA furniture with limited Wi-Fi connection. #weddingparty #romance
I am patiently waiting for your email
Anything is ‘bite size’ if your mouth is big enough.
The worst time to need sneeze is when you’re driving. The worst time to need to pee it when you’re driving and need to sneeze.
WHY DOES EVERYONE ON DATING APPS LIKE HIKING SO MUCH
My friend is gay, and that’s his boyfriend, he’s gay too…
my niece is 6 and she hates wearing jeans because she hates the zippers and how they scrunch up. but she doesn’t call them jeans, she calls them “weiner pants” and i wish i didn’t find that out as she yelled it in the store.
I’m not sure if this snake is trying to ask me a question or if he’s just eaten a candy cane.
I don’t know who you are, but I will find you and I will kill you.
You can buy my cassette series “Yelling : Greatest Hits”
Including classics such as:
– Hey!
– What the Hell?
– What the heck? (Radio edit)
– Oh come on!And the chart topping hit:
– Yo…hey yo! Over here! No, over here to your left!
Hey tiny front pocket on a t-shirt… Watcha doin’ there buddy?
[anniversary dinner]
HER: tell me something that will make my heart race
ME: my credit card got declined
Be the reason why the lights flicker when you enter a room
DATING TIP: IF YOU EAT A MAGNET AND SLIP ANOTHER MAGNET INTO YOUR DATE’S DINNER SHE’LL NEVER BE ABLE TO LEAVE YOU
A teacher grabbed my arm in the 3rd grade and pulled me to the back of the line. When I asked what I did, she said you know what you did. I’m 47 and I still don’t know.
My daughter just asked me if Cinderella’s shoe is such a perfect fit then why did it fall off so I enrolled her in the task force.
Even when I change my mind, it still doesn’t work any better.😁
stop