You can’t ban me from your neighborhood just because I “look scary” and “want to kill you.”
That’s discrimination.
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Sure the blue urinal cakes LOOK delicious but I’ve learned my lesson
Congrats, you’ve been selected for the job
Me: Whats the salary?
10k now and will increase to 25k later
Me: Ok then, I will come later
Made the mistake of ordering chlorine for the pool and researching Kenya so I’m tweeting this from what appears to be a windowed black van.
Getting grey hair hurts less when you say you’re sprouting tinsel instead.
Remember when the internet didn’t exist and we kept all this stupidness in our heads?
Good times.
Accidentally cut an old cat-5 cable and now the basement is flooded with internet.
me: [sits bolt upright in bed]
usain: stop doing that
Me: What’s with the look?
Hub: How would you like a full-service massage?
Me: I would, but will you and the kids be okay while I’m gone?
Still boggled by the people I know who are going out to bars saying “we can defeat this if we’re not afraid” and I’m like “this isn’t Pennywise it’s a PANDEMIC”
DOG (watching me stuff my face): Let the Cheez-Its hit the floor. Let the Cheez-Its hit the floor. Let the Cheez-Its hit the–
ME: Ope…
Searching for your soulmate could take years. Making a slice of toast takes minutes.
Life is like a box of chocolates, once you have kids it’s gone.
Airlines need to freakin’ make up their mind abt the temp of the plane once n for all.
1st flight was so freakin’ cold, I could see my soda freeze as I was drinking it n now the 2nd one is throwing so much hot air like I wanna lie naked rn!!!
#travelling
#AmericanAirlines
[quietly tries to open a can of beer]
driving instructor: what was that
A man approaches me. “You caught my eye,” he says.
I look in my hand. “Christ, is THAT what this thing is?!”
“Great. Like the short arms thing wasn’t humiliating enough.”
The worst words a parent can hear: I’m not tired
Physiotherapist: So tell me how you injured yourself?
Me: Rock climbing.
PT:
Me:
PT:
Me: *whispers* taking off my sports bra.
Anyone else get in trouble for inadvertently making noise while your child films a video for their non existent YouTube channel? I’m telling my fans to subscribe and ring the bell and you ruined it, Mom!
Skating rink, hockey rink, curling rink… Who decided “rink” could only mean an ice arena?? “Hey, I’m heading down to the hairdressing rink then swinging by the cheese rink after, see ya”
Perks of dating me : I’m too lazy to cheat on you
A couple of weeks ago we had an icebreaker during my graduate seminar and the question was “What is your irrational fear?” My answer was “hammerhead sharks”. And today in class I walked in and saw this:
“I wouldn’t.”
me:
british youtuber: wots up yewchoob,
Today I did a task I have been dreading for about a month, it took 30 minutes and it was fine.
…. I have learned nothing.
Jack: I want to be nimble
Genie: ok
Jack: and also quick
Genie: ok those are the same thin-
Jack: last but not least I want to jump as high as a candle
Internal monologue during wedding vows: *Did she just say ‘resistance is futile’?*
Me: I wish I never had to go outside
Me after listening to 10 minutes of NPR: I bet I could milk a goat, for I am so knowledgeable in such things
Me: Thanks
Cashier: No, thank YOU
Me: …if this is a thank you-off, you better buckle the hell up
u know how sum people get amnesia well i got opposite amnesia i remember everything ask me what i ate this morning. breakfast next question