You can’t be mad if I poop in it. Your the one with a toilet planter in your front yard.
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Omg. Why do I always look terrible when I leave the house.
*stays in bed until 4 minutes before I’m supposed to leave*
I love using food in the bedroom!
But, when it comes to wearing a condiment…
I mayo may not.
Fact: There comes a point in every man’s life that he regrets teaching his son about triple dog dares.
Imagine my surprise when I found out “restraining order” did not mean she wanted me to tie her up.
what my late-night hot pocket sees
Things that are more painful to step on than a Lego:
1. A gas pedal
Girl, are you Chernobyl? Because you warm me to the core and leave me glowing. Also I think you’ve killed some people.
me: hello 911
operator: actually you’ve reached 116
me: ok can u tell 911 I’m dangling from a cliff
You said clothes were 50% off
But not one woman in here is topless
That false advertising!
The Dominos “tracker” says Ashley just left with my pizza so I only have a few minutes to get naked. Just glad it’s not Brad…
…again.
sugar glider wrangler
yeah baby i am an animal in bed. more specifically a koala. i can sleep for 22 hours a day
”Can’t touch this.”
“Can’t touch this.”
“Can’t touch this.”
–MC Hammer giving a Museum tour
The first person to milk a cow was playing a savage game of Truth or Dare
deeply unfair of people to assume I have my life together just because I’m boring
SECURITY GUARD: [speaking into the cuff of his shirt] The president is on his way to the car
LITTLE MOUSE THAT LIVES IN HIS SLEEVE: Ok cool
Dogs are like chicken nuggets; every time I see one, I want it.
I once read the words “You have bewitched me body and soul” but your eggplant emoji is nice too.
My husband put a few of his items in my luggage. I can’t believe after 31 years I am still dealing with this shit. It’s like he has no idea how selfish I am.
Wonder Woman 2: Wonder Woman goes to Costco. She pulls apart 2 shopping carts that are stuck together. Costco shoppers amazed. Roll credits.
After what happened to Lance Armstrong I’m kinda worried they are gonna come after my bowling trophies
Did you survive the titanic based on your zodiac sign
Aries: yes
Taurus: yes
Gemini: yes
Cancer: yes
Leo: no
Virgo: yes
Libra: yes
Scorpio: yes
Sagittarius: yes
Capricorn: yes
Aquarius: yes
Pisces: yes
Jeez, men read so much into it when you ask if they’ll riot by your side in the water wars
wife: What do you want for dinner?
me: What do you want me to want?
The number of decades in your age directly correlates to the days of recovery you need after a night out
Me: *Chants in Latin in a deep, demonic voice while levitating*
My mom: Just ignore him. He’s only doing it for attention. Classic middle child syndrome.
Fun Fact: The one thing that married couples always agree on is that most fights are started by their spouse.
I don’t get vegetables on my pizza because I don’t like mixing business with pleasure
Please stop telling me how long your baby is in inches. I need something more visually relatable. Oh, your baby was 3.5 hot dogs long? Cool.
I bet newlyweds never wonder if their spouse is snoring that loud on purpose