You can’t break me, kid. My generation survived dial-up AOL and texting on a flip phone.
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I am an influencer.
If you aren’t influenced in any way, that is on you.
Do better.
[first day as a preschool teacher]
ME: *sets up road cones around the construction paper*
Person: “I can’t believe I’ve been sitting for two hours.”
Me [from my wheelchair]: “Amateur.”
Three conspiracy theorists walk in a bar. You can’t tell me that’s just coincidence.
“We’re a completely paperless office.”
Wow, that’s really cool.
[Later, staring at iPad dispenser in bathroom]
Well this sucks.
Let me make this abundantly clear
– window makers probably
I bet Amelia Earhart is just wandering around in an IKEA somewhere.
*visits new girlfriend’s house for 1st time*
“Make yourself at home”
Great. Thanks!
*I crawl into the closet and begin sobbing loudly*
when you lie on your résumé about your qualifications and then show up day 1
Once again not all heroes wear capes
If you go to the zoo & slap your chest at the gorilla, he sees it as aggressive behavior and WILL challenge you to a Mario Kart race.
There are two kinds of people here
1. Those who tried deleting another person’s tweet or reply.
2. Liars
“May you have a long happy life together and never be killed by blunt force trauma caused by your spouse to collect insurance money.”
– Me, giving a wedding toast I did not properly prepare to give because I spent all my preparation time watching true crime shows
One time getting ready to go out to eat my dad told me not to wear jeans with any holes in them and I immediately responded by asking how I was going to put my feet in them and he seriously had a tear build up in one eye.
[first date]
Me: So what do you do?
Her: I’m a librarian.
Me: *doesn’t talk again all night*
I’m so thrilled hockey is starting I could nap
I’ve never skydived but I have had to do math in front of a bunch of people in a meeting so I think I understand the adrenaline rush.
I name photos of me stroking animals in files called “Fireworks and big dogs.jpg” so my cats won’t find them on my computer.
IT guy: what seems to be the problem
me: hi uhh my computer won’t turn off and back on again
IT guy: [covers phone] what do I do
I installed a mirror inside my fridge to make it look fuller, and now I have two empty fridges.
I like my coffee like I like my men
Sliding off the roof of my car as I drive away
People have ruined this planet and now they’re just like “Tag, you’re it!” to Mars.
me: hips like a canadian goose
girl in club: is that good?
My cat caught me watching cat videos on the Internet so we now have a shared Twitter and Facebook account.
[Trying to hire a hitman]
“Yes, I’d like to buy one murder please.”
Them: What’d you scrape your chin on?
Me: A chiseled jawline with a 5-o’clock shadow.
Don’t drink water and stay hydrated it’s a hoax
9-year-old: *fighting with her sisters* It’s my turn for the remote!
Me: You’re going to school in two minutes. What does it matter?
9: It matters for two minutes.
It’s always fun to put a rainbow bumper sticker on your homophobic friend’s car.