“You can’t bring road kill on the plane.”
“It’s my carrion.”
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*peeks under bathroom stall*
How’s the wifi signal in there?
To everyone out there suffering from anxiety: you are not alone there’s someone behind you
There’s something mentally wrong with people who ask other parents if their baby isn’t the cutest baby they’ve ever seen
Fun game to play at the beach…seashell or potato chip.
If my toddler doesn’t stay in bed this time, he’s watching Game of Thrones. I don’t even care that he hasn’t seen the first season yet.
The best part about living during a global plague as climate collapse ravages a planet poised on the brink of world war is definitely getting up every day to make sure the spreadsheets are still spreadsheeting.
I liked having a roommate because I could always tell myself she was sneaking my peanut butter & that’s why I went through it so fast. Then, I learned she has a peanut allergy. I’m moving out.
What idiot called it “salad” and not “la sad”
Husband: I love you.
Me: I have a boyfriend.
Just found seven Easter eggs while putting up Halloween decorations.
They’re saying I put a stuffed animal in the toilet. Untrue. I sent it on a mission to retrieve my toy cars.
Sometimes I wonder how air conditioners actually make air colder, bet i could learn online but then i think no mike, best not rock the boat.
Dancing naked and the neighbors saw me.
A girl with kaleidoscope eyes sounds horrifying.
HELP 😭
I’m like if a scented trash bag was a person.
I used to eat a lot of Belgian chocolate, but I gave it up for Lindt.
I heard a noise downstairs, so naturally I came down to investigate in my towel, post-shower.
Exactly. I’M the idiot in a slasher film.
her: my fantasy is eating whipped cream off each other, what’s yours
JRR Tolkien: *big breath in*
Men: “once you get married you never get any sex”.
[wife walks around the house completely naked]
Every man: *continues to be completely hypnotized by whatever sports game is on*
Only marriage can turn an incorrectly folded towel into an act of war.
do u think spider-man ever shot a little of his own web in his mouth just to see what it tastes like
Had a date today and it was nice. Will try raisins tomorrow
Dear Restaurant Managers:
If more than 3 employees ask me how I’m enjoying my meal, I begin to wonder if you know something I don’t know.
Cool shirt 🙂
People in the bar at closing time are kinda like samples at Costco.
Both seem so much better before you take them home.
Her: You sure love to beat people over the head with your vocabulary, don’t you?
Me: I think the word you’re looking for is “bludgeon.”
You really shouldn’t label sandwiches, I mean they have a right to exist in a world without labels and judgements just like everyone else.
[scale says I’ve gained 5 pounds]
Me: It’s probably just what I’m wearing.
Wife: You’re naked.
Me:
Wife:
Me: It’s a heavy deodorant.
My son asked me what it’s like to be a parent so I woke him up at 3 a.m. to let him know that I couldn’t sleep.