“You can’t bring road kill on the plane.”
“It’s my carrion.”
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“I totally nailed that guy” – Roman soldiers
*everytime I introduce dad*
this is the man who’s not proud of me
WIFE: if you misinterpret one more thing I say, I’m leaving
ME: please don’t, I promise I’ll change
WIFE: ok you’ve got a week
ME: [crying] a weak what?
It’s always the last 10-15 peanut butter cups that you end up regretting.
let’s discuss
if I am elected governor I will eat your pillow while you sleep and unlike my opponent I will also do it if I am not elected
Nurse: Doctor this man needs an IV!
Roman Empire doctor: OF WHAT? HE NEEDS 4 OF WHAT?!
If you wanna go and take a ride with me with three women in the floor with the goat cheese.
When you’re at someone’s house? Normal people: “What a lovely house!” Me: “What’s your wifi password?”
When I am president, it will be legal to grab the waists of slow and distracted pedestrians on cell phones and race them along.
Teacher: Any questions
*raises hand*
T: NO DUMB ONES
“Can you see continent names from space”
T: FOR FU-..ugh…Not if it’s cloudy bud
Friend: Sorry I’ve been so busy! I got my master’s in genetic engineering, singlehandedly solved a murder, invented time travel, discovered a new Pi number, climbed Mt. Everest and taught myself to read Sumerian. What have you been up to???
Me: I’ve been super into cereal lately
I get more excited seeing my luggage on a baggage carousel than I do seeing a person I know.
INTERVIEWER: What is your greatest strength?
ME: I can anagram anything
WIENER RIVET: And your greatest weakness?
My kid found a Disney movie marathon on tv and I found Captain Morgan in the freezer. Life is about balance.
Hungover parenting is like being in an Alien movie. You’re scared because there are fast moving creatures all around you, and you really don’t want them to jump on you.
Flight attendant: Do we have a doctor on board
Me: I have a PhD in mathematics
Flight attendant: one passenger is having a heart attack and one passenger is having an asthma attack
Me: *nodding* that makes two
Hugh Jackman denies ever taking steroids to transform into Wolverine:
“I had been told what the side effects are… I don’t love my job that much.”
Me winding up as the last man on earth is an unlikely scenario, but an awful lot of women seem to have already thought it through.
You know you’re an adult when you spend $100 at the grocery store and leave without any food.
*Switches between 4 different news channels for an hour*
Has literally no idea what’s going on in the world
Coworker left himself signed in to LinkedIn and now his skills include “mouth breathing”.
When your relationship runs into a problem you can’t figure out, simply use BEDMAS to solve
Bacon
Eggs
Drinks
Meds
And
Sex
me: ok I am gonna get on the roof to fix something
12, concerned: are you sure it will hold you?
I wasn’t invited to the #MetGala this year so I’m making my own at home
“HELP WITH CAT”
Marie Kondō’s method really has been magical. I’m ridding my home of anything that doesn’t “spark joy.”
So far I’m down one washing machine, one vacuum, and a husband.
As someone who got the J&J shot last week, so far my only side effect has been the ability to control geese with my mind