YOU CAN’T BUY HOT POCKETS YOU CAN ONLY BUY COLD POCKETS YOU ARE EXPECTED SUPPLY THE HEAT YOURSELF DONT BELIEVE THE LIES.
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It’s all fun and games until your kids start counting their Halloween candy.
That scene in Home Alone where they count their kids but this time there’s one extra, so they sacrifice him
Oh my god gurrrll, he said WHAT? Told you men are trash now did I, alright gimme the tea!
8yo: I want to paint my pumpkin this year!
Me: Cool, what color?
8yo: Orange!
Me:
8yo:
Me: *pours drink* Let’s do it
First day of my levitation course today, and I went straight to the top of the class.
boba fett is short for robert fettuccine
a woman just ran through the coffeeshop yelling “HELP! I NEED A HIGHLIGHTER! HELP HELP I NEED A HIGHLIGHTER” and I want to trade problems with her
#MayweathervMcgregor.
Right now, Danny Ocean is robbing the Bellagio.
*wraps bacon in bacon wrapped bacon*
Nobody has ever partied as hard as skeletons in a cemetery in a 1930s cartoon. Using their heads as bongos. Doing cartwheels.. Letting one skelly use a broom to sweep them up into a big bone pile. The Euphoria kids could never
“What character would I like to see throwing up in a parking lot?”
-How I pick my Halloween costume
Maybe everyone can just pee outside from now on so I never have to clean the toilets again, kthanks.
microdosing lsd to gain a creative advantage at my job as a subway sandwich artist
Me: this is shit, I’m changing the channel
Wife: leave the baby monitor alone
[funeral]
minister: *makes hilarious joke during eulogy*
guy in casket: i am literally dead
My wife always nags me and it’s annoying. “Stop chewing so loudly”, “Why don’t you replace the toilet paper roll?”, “Wake up hurry, my water broke!”
AMERICA: We don’t need the metric system, our measurement system is fine
AMERICAN MEASUREMENT SYSTEM:
there’s probably a fee though
*finishes a project in 20 minutes that was supposed to take 40 minutes*
*celebrates by screwing around online for 4 hours*
TRUE STORY
Just made this restaurant change its “All you can drink Brunch” Policy.
A car window made specifically for a dog to stick its head out of is called a sunwoof.
I requested better work conditions but my boss screamed and threw his toy at me and now we’re both sitting in the playpen crying
6yo (to her crying brother): “It’s okay to be sad, sometimes we need to let our feelings out, just let yourself be sad.”
Me: “Oh darling, that’s so lovely, well done. Why is he crying?”
6yo: “I hit him.”#mumlife
Don’t you hate it when you misjudge a moment of silence and lean in for a kiss.
Worst police interrogation ever.
Whenever I destroy an ant hill with the leaf blower, I imagine the footage of the terrible blownado being shown on ant tv the next morning.
All Amazon reviews are like
⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️: best product ever!
⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️: so amazing must buy
⭐️: DONT TRUST THE REVIEWS!! THIS PRODUCT KILLED MY FAMILY
No matter how hard I try, I just never seem to run out of bad ideas.
Welcome to adulthood.
Your keys will be in the pocket closest to the hand holding the most grocery bags.
The First Step in AAA is admitting your car has a problem.