You can’t choose your family but you can choose a hitman.

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Up to 300 serial killers are active every day but the good news is that some of us have been incapacitated by the internet.


CASHIER: $57.85
ME: do u accept food stamps
C: of course
M: sweet *presses my apple stamper to an ink pad* which hand do u want it on


5 year old: Mommy, did you get that kind of turkey I like at the store?

Me: Ham? Yes


Parenting is like being a dive bartender: people shout drink orders, you have to listen to their problems, and the place looks like a dump.


Damn girl, are you astrophysics? Because I don’t know enough about you to finish this joke.


[immortal aliens studying us]
After about 80 years, they enter a larval stage and lie dormant underground. We don’t know what happens next.


[a guy is playing acoustic guitar at a local pub]

Me: do you take requests?

Him: yes!

Me: can you stop playing?


Disney made such a big deal of kissing dead people. I kissed one dead person and now I’m no longer allowed at the morgue


Nice shoes. Where’d you get them?

Him: …

*peeks under bathroom stall*

Did you hear me?


(Starts period)

Husband: OHHHH, so that’s why you’ve been such a b-

Me: WHAT!?

Him: What?