You can’t choose your family but you can choose a hitman.
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[mob about to stone a sinner]
JESUS: Stop! Let he who is without sin throw the first stone.
[mob drops rocks]
JESUS: [picks up rock]
I don’t know why they invite me to an Easter egg hunt, then freak out when I turn up in camo gear with my rifle.
ME: I’d like to order…the updog.
WAITER: How would u like that prepared?
ME: um medium well?
W: very good
Me: oh god what have I just done
The glove snap before the prostate exam isn’t necessary. We just do that to mess with you.
they should hide prizes in more boxes than just cereal, I’d love to reach into my laundry detergent and find a colour changing spoon
Never considered this before, but I might be a “local woman”
There’s no problem you can’t solve with a great night of dancing.
Except for a broken foot.
Then you should see a doctor.
*Writes “For a good time call” on random gas station bathroom wall
*adds work phone number
*Gets excited about work today
The doctor said working puzzles would keep Grandma’s mind sharp. She’s been in the corn maze going on four days, so that remains to be seen.
Just killed a spider IN MY BED!! So if you need me, I’ll be burning down my home and looking for a new place to live.
witch: what do u need?
me: a spell to make my dad proud
dad: *rips off witch mask* always looking for a shortcut unbelievable
[having sex with centaur]
ME: *man that fortune cookie was spooky accurate*
MARRIAGE PROTIP – Guys, if you have a picture of your junk on your phone, you better be sure your wife has a copy of it on hers. Good talk.
Of course my days are numbered..
That’s how calendars work.
I love movies from the 70s because they’re like “it’s okay to be sweaty for no reason” which is important to me
BOSS: quit listening to Vanilla Ice, participate in the meeting, and pay attention
ME: so… stop, collaborate, and listen?
BOSS: you’re fired
Him at 1am: Wanna come over?
Me: Sure thing, sexy
-Cut to me crawling out of his TV like that girl in The Ring
*asks family what they want from the grocery, no one says a word*
{in checkout lane}
*receives 4 separate food request texts from family*
My toddler got a certificate at nursery for ‘good listening’ and ironically she didn’t listen when I asked her if she could do that at home too
HER: It’s a gender reveal party.
ME: To tell the sex of the baby.
HER: You have to stop calling it a sex party.
A lot of infant toys promise to improve motor skills, yet I’ve never seen a baby work on a car.
Why call it a sleeping pill rather than bedicine?
*finally detangles ear buds
*plane lands
Widow: did he say anything before he passed?
Me: *tearing up* he just said “tell Sheila i love her”
Widow: who the hell is Sheila?
Google, Microsoft and Disney are
among suitors for TwitterWill it be
Twoogle ?
Twindows ?
The Wonderful World of Tweets ?Be prepared
Oh OK thanks for the tip, I was actually planning on letting the bed bugs bite but good call
What’s the statute of limitations when you think of a comeback for an insult? Please say 17 years.
Missing area man described as boringly conventional, was easily found by multiplying height x width.
If the final episode of Game of Thrones doesn’t feature a group hug with everyone singing “Kumbaya,” then I don’t know what I’m talking about.