You can’t claim to like bad girls and then get mad when I rob you.
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When my husband is mad at me,
I like to point at my wedding ring
and whisper “forever”
“One time God gave me a snack!”
– Our 4yo, & we think she was talking about church communion
I accidentally dropped one of my husband’s Viagra into my contact solution and now I’m cockeyed.
My parents were tough and raised us right. If we needed to pay bribes for me to go to an Ivy League college, they definitely would have made me work, save, and pay the bribes myself.
I don’t like being asked “are you at home?” Please expand further so I can know whether I’m at home or not.
Anyone who believes in cyber-bullying is a huge pussy.
Post nuclear war:
A sterile and withered landscape. No vegetation or nourishment remains.My refrigerator after a 14 year old boy comes home from school:
A sterile and withered landscape. No vegetation or nourishm—
Her:
*puts cherry stem in mouth
*pulls it out with a knot
*winksHim:
*puts earbuds in pocket
*pulls it out with 5 knots
*doesn’t get laid
him: I got a new tattoo
me: what is it
him (lifting his shirt): it’s a replica of my thermos from work
me (leaning in to feel it): does it hurt
him: don’t you dare touch the thermos tat
and that how I knew he would make an excellent dad
All dates are ‘blind dates.’
The biological structure of fruit plants do not allow eye growth, therefore rendering them incapable of sight.
If I could have dinner with anyone, alive or dead, I’d want to know who’s paying.
ME: So when you’re saying mass is it the real you or are you using your altar ego lol
PRIEST: *rolling up his sleeves* Forgive me Lord for what I am about to do
Don’t listen to your heart. It’s just a pump receiving commands from the brain. Don’t listen to your brain, either. If it had any good ideas, you wouldn’t be here now.
The funniest bit of advertising nonsense is when companies redesign their product packaging but also put “New Look!” in huge letters on it. Yeah guys, I’m buying your mac n cheese because of the updated font size on the box.
*getting a deli sandwich*
person making sandwich: only 1 piece of cheese?
me: yes
person: u can have 3 pieces of cheese for the same price
me: that’s ok I’m good
person: it’s FREE cheese tho
me: I don’t want that much cheese
person: *yelling* ITS FREE CHEESE
who called it rolling over in the grave instead of a plot twist.
I knew my kid inherited my artistic abilities back when she drew that cute little pig. She called it a dog, but whatever.
so u have kids?
yes a bunch of them
that’s great, any hobbies?
I don’t understand the question
Everyone is thinking about who they’ll kiss at midnight, and all I can think about is meatballs.
Cat: HUMAM! AM LEARN U CAN WIN MANY MONEY IF U DO A BET ON AN SPORTS
Me: yeah that’s true
Cat: MONEY GET MANY FOOD
Me: also true
Cat: WELL
Cat: CAT AM HAVE FOOLPROOF WAY 2 KNOW WHICH SPORTS TEAM 2 PICK
Me: oh
Cat: DO A BET ON AN TEAM WHO HAS MOST SCORE AT END OF GAME
Me: thanks
I was so depressed dat my ATM displayed someone else’s balance to cheer me up
It’s not the destination that matters. It’s the snacks you eat on the way.
(Court)
Judge: You’re on trial for excessive use of astronomy puns. How do you plead?Defendant: *leans in until lips are on mic* No comet.
“I’m going to enter you now,” I announce to an elevator to the bewilderment of everyone who is already inside. A lady clutches her purse.
All of these time capsules I just dug up have bodies in them?
You’re in a room with a murderer and someone who makes sandwiches with the crust end of the bread and you have 1 bullet. Who do-
“Bread guy”
What idiot called it a scarf and not a necromancer??
[guy about to invent bowling]
let’s have some fun, but not too much
Jesus Christ. They stole your tweet. Not your first born son.