you can’t convince me that “starfish” doesn’t mean “kinda starf”
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I’m going to leave the presents out and hide my kids in the closet until Christmas.
Interview
Boss: Greatest weakness
Me: Sometimes I answer questions with 90s rap lyrics
B: Is that here on your resume
M: Whoomp, there it is
Fun Fact: Every hour of daylight savings is kept in a subterranean vault in Colorado. Once every four years, they release them all, and that’s how we get a leap day.
My toddler is crying because she wanted 2 strawberries but I only gave her 2
exec: any ideas for new kids shows
writer: a mouse tries to murder a cat with a toaster
exec: nice. what else?
writer: a coyote tries to murder a roadrunner with dynamite
exec: love it. any more?
writer: a dude with a speech impediment tries to murder a rabbit with a shotgun
*does hair and makeup*
*drives to the gym, takes selfie*
*leaves*
The hardest things to say:
(1) I need help
(2) Worcestershire
You know you had yourself a weekend when the kids wake up Monday morning in the same pajamas you put them in Friday night.
How to get a job on Game of Thrones:
Q: Can you act?
A: Sorta
Q: Will you get naked?
A: Yes
HIRED!
let’s discuss
do you swear to tell the truth the whole truth and nothing but the truth
“starting now?”
yes
“the judge looks like squints from the sandlot”
Tarantulas make great pets because when they die, rather than grieving you’ll feel an almost overwhelming sense of relief
Twerking is the crocs of dancing.
found this sweet little abandoned chocolate lab at the park today
Jeff is here!
“Jeff from work or Jeff the guy who announces his arrival anytime he enters a room”
Jeff is here!
What’s with the attitude? I don’t know what’s gotten into you but I know what hasn’t.
If you don’t have at least 1 hot neighbor then the hot neighbor is you
My brother just sent me his Christmas wishlist, there’s a ham on it, only a ham.
[During lull in conversation at party]
ME: Do you think you’re closer to your own birth or your own death? Let’s go around the room.
judge: what do you have to say for yourself
scooby-doo villain: i was legally startling trespassers on my own private property and was wrongfully arrested and imprisoned by a group of high teenagers
judge: oh damn
How am I supposed to be professional when something at work is called a dongle?
Captain: relax, it’s just a title
Second Mate: WHAT DOES HE MEAN TO YOU
men only want 1 thing. women only want 7 things. babies only want 53 things. dogs only want 633 things. flamingos refuse to divulge how many things they want
Parenting tip: from now on, buy only spaghetti-sauce colored clothes.
Best translation fail. The arabic spells out a transliteration of ‘meat ball’ in English – which sounds like ‘mayit baul’, or Dead Paul.
Biggest conspiracy I believe in is that DiCaprio’s relationships are all advertising campaigns for their modeling firms and he’s been quietly married to Tobey Maguire since 2017
Boss: You wrote one of your strengths is invisibility and that seems–what are you doing?!
Me (giving him the finger): Wait–you can see me?
6: I want to pick something out for your birthday next week
Me: ok, think about the things I like and enjoy doing and then we’ll go get it
6: you’re getting a chainsaw. And maybe a sword.
Me:… sweet