You can’t die, man! Not right now. Not on my watch! *lifts dead body and pulls watch put from under it*
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[throws salad into a garden]
Go home boy…you’re free now.
surgeon: you can’t lift anything over ten pounds for 6 weeks.
me: how am i supposed to pee?
*surgeon high-fives me*
GENIE: you have three wishes.
ME: sweet, I wish for pie.
GENIE: okay, whatever, you have 3.14 wishes.
Why do I have all these cookie pans. I don’t even bake.
With all the infectious diseases spreading the globe it won’t be long until the introverts take over the planet. Though they won’t know until they run out of snacks and redbull
Whenever I see Chris Hemsworth in a movie I just assume it’s a Thor sequel I never got around to seeing
Having a personal trainer at the gym is like having that bully in school. They still terrorize you, but now they make you do pistol squats before taking your lunch money.
Don’t expect a “bless you” after you sprayed me down with your sneeze.
People need to stop posting denigrating photo memes of animals; they have dignity and deserve respect. Oh that’s Rick Santorum? Ok carry on.
Day 3 of home schooling, just had a parent teacher conference with my wife and there was a lot of blaming.
when you see my three typing dots linger there for a long time just know I’m fighting an epic battle with autocorrect
Don’t you dare flirt with me.
Yet.
Okay now.
I’ve got 11 lava lamps and every time a girl comes back to my place, she leaves almost immediately. I need more. 14 lava lamps.
Have your tribal tattoo call my tramp stamp and let’s make beautiful, douchey babies together.
I was going to buy my wife a car for Christmas but then I remembered I don’t live in a commercial.
Waiter: don’t touch the plate, it’s extremely hot
Me: ok
My Brain: we are 100% going to touch that plate
Me: ok
Hate it when all of Asia tells me that I exaggerate things.
[Snow White meets Seven Dwarfs]
SNOW WHITE: Why is your name Bashful?
BASHFUL: [recalling when he bashed in the 8th dwarf’s skull] No reason
Bob was hungry. He ripped open a new bag of tortillas only to discover a convenient, resealable opening on the other end
Not to say I’m reckless, but my guardian angel wears a blindfold.
Winter can cause potentially deadly situations like icy roads, hypothermia, and the much feared man cold.
Here at Sporadic & Sons, we pride ourselves on consistency
Shout out to school music teachers everywhere who made a choice in life to get trapped in a room with 25 kids learning to play the recorder.
A fortune cookie told me I’d receive an important message soon.
The message in the bottle told me the fortune cookie was poisoned.
Came home and my cat was on the porch cuddling with a baby skunk. When the skunk saw me he took off like I had caught him in bed with my girlfriend.
okay, so you’re definitely the best at keeping your body completely still, what do you want, atrophy?
[Infomercial]
HOST: Wanna learn how to lose up to 15 pounds with one simple trick?!?
AUDIENCE: Yes!
HOST: Here’s how! *rips off his own arm*
Two crows fall in love, move in together, start a family.
The perfect murder.
alien: we have come to destroy all humanity
me: hell yeah
alien: what? I said we have co-
me: hurry up
Last minute Christmas shopping at Costco in the 10 TVs or less line.