For a one-way mission to Mars, we should send a blogger. Not so they can blog about the experience, but so there’d be one less blogger.
You can’t drink and drive. You can’t text and drive. You can’t smoke bud and drive. It’s like they expect you to just focus on driving.
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“OPEN THE DOOR IT’S THE POLICE”
who is it?
what is a police
*cops start whispering*
“how does he not know what a police is”
My body might be failing, but at least my mind is still sharp as a sack.
People obsessed with how much I bench need to #chill. It’s not like Coke publishes their recipe online for morrons to study.
Whenever I test drive a car and the Salesman decides to come along, I lock the doors lock eyes and say “We ride together, we Die together.”
Stick around after sticking around after the Thor 2 credits. Very realistic 3D of a theater manager telling you to leave.
I’ve honestly never been more disappointed in life than when I found out that the Miami Dolphin football team was made up entirely of people
Boyfriend’s on the phone talking to a guy about lattes and his love of peach scones.
I’m on the couch wondering when our periods synced.
You have tattoos and curves?
You’re also batshit crazy?
*takes off pants*
You listen to Paramore?
*puts on clothes*
Gave myself a steam facial* today
*opened a bag of freshly popped popcorn too close to my face