You can’t drink and drive. You can’t text and drive. You can’t smoke bud and drive. It’s like they expect you to just focus on driving.
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[firing squad]
Captain: Any last words?
Prisoner: Why, yes. I’d like to speak with you for a moment about gun control.
Your honor, may I approach the bench?
“You may.”
*walks up to bench*
*boops judge’s nose*
*viking dad at a funeral*
I don’t know throw a burning stick at it or something we don’t waste arrows in this family what you think I’m made of arrows
hey don’t shoot me, i’m just the messenger! oh the letter says to shoot me? okay th-
With the proper diet and lack of exercise, you can turn any jeans into skinny jeans.
Me: *stubs toe*
My voodoo doll: “Ouch! Jeez can’t that idiot get ANYTHING right?!”
I use the yellow colored emojis. My wife uses the flesh colored ones. Somehow we make things work.
Enough is enough. It is time for Sea World to step up and finally do something about the horrible whale who splashes everyone
interviewer: any questions?
me: yes, what are your strengths?
Time for me to sign up for the hallmark channel for the next two months.
there are a lot of white women in fur-lined parkas that I need to watch fall in love
It is a truth universally acknowledged ON MARS that a single woman in possession of a good fortune must be in want of a wife.
My arm could be chopped off and I could be covering the wound with paper towels and my wife would be like, “Too many. You’re wasting them!”
Need WebMD
“Let’s check in with Ted our correspondent in the field.”
Ted: “Hey Bob I’ve been in this field for about an hour, and I’m super bored.”
I didn’t lose my marbles, I gave them away.
“so doc… am I dying?”
“we’re all dying, just at different speeds”
“but what about me”
“You’re like, the Usain Bolt of dying dude lmao”
Thought buying a laptop for 12 would’ve given me some quiet time but here i am filming unboxing videos and crying
If ya’ll had let everybody eat the Tide Pods when they wanted to they wouldn’t be out here licking the ice cream.
“You know…”
[takes drag of cigarette]
“That energy bar is full of sugar”
[exhales]
It has been proven that Australians watch TV more than any other appliance.
My wife asked me what I wanted for Christmas. I winked at her.
She bought me eye drops.
Me: My doctor says I need urgent surgery.
Friend: Oh my god! I’m so sorry. What kind?
Me: Cosmetic.
ME: *wearing multiple earrings, a face mask, earbuds and glasses*
EARS: Shall I hold your purse as well or are you good?
Rick Astley: Do you have any Pixar movies I can borrow?
Me: You can have Cars, Toy Story & Ratatouille, but I’m never gonna give you UP.
venmo me $5 and i will find your ex’s hottest photo and start an argument in the comments about new york vs chicago pizza for some reason
All I’m saying is if the toilet still flushes when the power and gas goes out, why don’t we run more things on toilet power?
The twin sisters that live next door to me, shower is broke so they’re using mine. So, you know what that means…
More hair in my drain.
me: I really can’t stay
him: but, baby it’s-
me: *tail lights*
Don’t ask me for childcare advice unless you want nuggets of wisdom like “always punch holes in the box so they can breathe.”