@noog

You can’t drink and drive. You can’t text and drive. You can’t smoke bud and drive. It’s like they expect you to just focus on driving.

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@badbanana

For a one-way mission to Mars, we should send a blogger. Not so they can blog about the experience, but so there’d be one less blogger.

@midnightwhale

“OPEN THE DOOR IT’S THE POLICE”
who is it?
“POLICE”
what is a police
*cops start whispering*
“how does he not know what a police is”

@linanneblack

My body might be failing, but at least my mind is still sharp as a sack.

@robdelaney

People obsessed with how much I bench need to #chill. It’s not like Coke publishes their recipe online for morrons to study.

@ilovepie84

Whenever I test drive a car and the Salesman decides to come along, I lock the doors lock eyes and say “We ride together, we Die together.”

@badbanana

Stick around after sticking around after the Thor 2 credits. Very realistic 3D of a theater manager telling you to leave.

@SamGrittner

I’ve honestly never been more disappointed in life than when I found out that the Miami Dolphin football team was made up entirely of people

@SondraDeeMe

Boyfriend’s on the phone talking to a guy about lattes and his love of peach scones.
I’m on the couch wondering when our periods synced.

@PeachyPixel8

You have tattoos and curves?

*unbuttons pants*

You’re also batshit crazy?

*takes off pants*

You listen to Paramore?

*puts on clothes*

@itsmebeegee07

Gave myself a steam facial* today

*opened a bag of freshly popped popcorn too close to my face