You can’t even be mad at the dog for this. You just have to be impressed.
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You make me want to be a better home and garden.
My cat feels the need to give herself an entire bath after I touch her.
So yeah, I know a thing or two about creeping someone out.
Prometheus? I never even heard of Amaturemetheus.
“Have them press 1 again.”
“Good.”
“Now, 3 minutes of silence.”
“Are they still there?”
“Give them 18 minutes of pan flute.”– Call Center Training
“why is millennial humor so weird?”
it’s called a resurgence of neo-dadaism, you uncultured filth. take an art class and get depressed
Gemini: I pretty much know everything
Cancer: so how are u feeling right now
Gemini: not that
I like making detailed sketches of animals but when it comes to snakes I draw a line
Judge: how do you plead?
Me: Hakuna Matata.
Judge: what does that mean?
Me: I’m glad you asked *deep breath* 🎶…
*weigh myself*
Hmmmm…
*weigh myself on different scales and am two pounds lighter*
Ah these are more accurate…
Just watched a dog chase its tail for 10 min., thought “damn so easily entertained” then realized I watched a dog chase his tail for 10 min.
[Beautiful woman doing bench press at the gym]
HER: four… five… *struggling* a little help please
ME: six
[driving test]
me: did I pass?driving instructor, on Zoom: I literally have no idea, this isn’t legal
If I owned a Brazilian waxing joint, I’d call it Pubic’s Cube or The Razor’s Edge or Hedging Your Bets or Getting a Leg Up or Bush League or
being in a hamock is so comfortabel bc it replicates our condition before birth: being caried to earth inside the beak of a giant pelican
1990- I have three-way calling, we can all talk for hours
2015- don’t even leave me a voicemail unless you are dying or I won money
Start calling divorces “incidents”
Level up on that intrigue
We save women and children first because the dads have to make sure all the lights are off and the thermostat is set appropriately.
My spouse wonders why I have a hard time visiting his parents for the whole weekend but it probably has a lot to do with the fact that I have to put a bra on before coffee
Twitter should come with a “MAY CONTAIN NUTS” warning when you open the app.
“You will feel a little pressure but no pain…”
~Doctors or dentists about to hurt you bad
Conversational tip: For every minute that you spend talking about yourself, set aside 10 seconds for the other person to say something; give them time to give you a compliment.
Menopausal symptoms can be fatal. They almost killed my husband.
OMG YOU SHOULD DO A CARTWHEEL RIGHT NOW
– alcohol
[at restaurant on 1st date pretending not to be an eel]
Date: The wine is lovely great choice
Me: *helplessly slips off chair*
Hi if you have three kids you will either do dishes twice a day or you will buy 3,439 forks.
“Wanna feel old..?”
No. Next question.
“Here taste this ” followed by a 32 minute speech on all the ingredients.
“This is The Grey Wall of China”
I think it’s ‘great’
“We all do, pal”
The less friends at your birthday party means more cake for you.
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‘I never thought leopards would eat MY face,’ sobs woman who voted for the Leopards Eating People’s Faces Party.