You can’t get in trouble for leaving work early if you disable the security cameras and crawl out the air-conditioning duct.
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Her: If someone gave you five dollars would y-
Me: Yes.
I’m not afraid to say it, I’m against problems.
“I hate when I can’t think of the right word,” she protesticulated.
Sometimes I stand in the shower for 10 minutes before I remember what I’m supposed to be doing. So, yes your secrets are safe with me.
Me: There’s a cold spot I think it’s a ghost
Her: You’re standing in front of the open refrigerator
Me: OUR REFRIGERATOR IS HAUNTED?!
Not to brag or anything, but I scored 4 points on flappy bird before my phone mysteriously flung itself across the room
Historian : Rome wasn’t built in a day.
Me : [Trying to impress the girls] He’s right, you know, it was built in Italy.
The adult version of Marco Polo is calling your own cell phone to track it down.
Guy in front of me at McDonald’s: I’ll take two of everything
Me: IS THERE A FLOOD
I DON’T KNOW ABOUT?
laundry day is my favorite day of the week. that’s why I dress for it every day.
Mama
I just killed a man
He complained about student debt
So I posted his loan they did forget
Me – I’m not in the mood to work today
My bank account – you better GET in the mood
My insurance guys slogan is I’m Zach and I’ve got your back… good thing his name wasn’t Rick
her: I’m a cat person
me: I’m more of a dog pers-
her: [starts licking hind leg]
me: oooOoo k
I just tested negative for patience.
What do those “brighten my day with the 7th picture on your phone” people want from us
Windows 11? Bro, I’m rocking 95. Call me when you catch up
Child: [misbehaving]
Me [picking up phone]: That’s it, I’m calling Santa.
Child: Dad I’m 19.
My son has a hard time waking up in the morning so he downloaded an obnoxious sounding alarm on his phone to ensure he wouldn’t oversleep.
So far the only people awake from it this morning are me, my husband & our neighbors.
When you put :/ at the end of your text I know you had a terrible stroke and call 911.
What did Harry Potter say when he was filling up his car?
Expensive Petroleum.
My husband doesn’t understand why I don’t just lock the door if I want to go to the bathroom alone, so next time he goes to poop I’m going to bang on the door and scream the whole time.
I bring our baby to the bar so I can throw her at people and slurp down their cocktails while they’re trying to catch her.
[1863]
LINCOLN: Here’s what I have so far…”Eighty seven years ago our f—
MARY TODD: Wait, wait…Why don’t you use some whacky weird numbers
11yo: why are you doing dishes with your jeans undone?
me: no sweetie. It’s; YAY MOMMY! YOU GOT THOSE JEANS ON!
If the good lord did not intend for me to eat this entire bag of chili cheese fritos then he wouldn’t have made them so delicious
Amen
[at oceanside seafood restaurant]
Me: Is the fish fresh here?
Waiter: Yes
*from the kitchen, a fish blows me a kiss & waves seductively*
Officer: I am going to need you to take a sobriety test.
Me: (whispers in his ear)
Can we make it science? Sobriety has never been my strongest subject.
I get it February, I can only leap about once every four years too.
I just saw a poster that said “have you seen this man?” With a number to call… So I called the number and told them “No.”