You can’t get pregnant from sex with a condom, only from sex with a person

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When you have the opportunity to become a bigger person, take it because cake is delicious.


I like running up to kids, punching a puppy in the face and screaming “WHERE IS YOUR GOD NOW?” And that’s my long-term solution to religion.


I want to go back in time and find pre-kid me who thinks she is “so busy” and “so tired.” And I want to smack her.


Dentist: Don’t eat or drink for…
Me: *already eating a snack before she finishes her sentence*


Hey girl, do you like bad boys? *tries to look cool by flicking my cig, but it’s an e-cig so I have to run and get it*


Me: We should set up a play date
Hot dad at park: You have a kid?
Me: No, I said WE should


I may not have any friends but at least I know my cat will never ask me to help him move


Girl: So, your dating profile says you enjoy long walks by the sea & making ur own wine?
Jesus: ON
Girl: What?
Jesus: Long walks ON the sea