You can’t get pregnant from sex with a condom, only from sex with a person
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One thing books from 100 years ago teach us is that if you leave a baby in the jungle, it’ll be fine. Better than fine, actually.
Yeah I go to the gym.
Today I will be working on my uh…cordyceps.
if somone acidentaly walks in while ur in the bathroom, do not react at all. this avoids embarasment & makes them wonder if they are a ghost
Your call is important to us. Please continue to hold until your battery is dead.
I lose bobby pins in my hair. Please don’t ask me to babysit your kids.
anything is possible with the right attitude and a sledgehammer
Old superstition:
When wife laughs at your jokes:
It means you have guests in the house.
I have the impulse control of a random number generator.
[if i was president]
“mr president, is it true you thought navy seals were actual seals that can drive a boat”
this press conference is over
When I meet someone new I shake their hand really fast and whisper “yes, please don’t stop” because people need to learn not to talk to me.
Vaguely threatening bubble tea ad at my local mall.🧋
Look, I don’t know how to spell reniassance so you’re getting whichever one I manage to type.
Cop: you were going pretty fast there. In a hurry to get somewhere?
Me: nope, just tryna lose the cop back there
My wife hates snakes. But if they sold snakes at Target, we’d probably have a few snakes.
My husband: (from the other room) Can you give me an update?
Me: Um, can you be more specific?
Husband: Let’s focus on this week
Me: Ok, so I’m trying a different dish soap because-
Him: (peeks head in) Can you please stop that? I’m on a work call.
From my 12yr old: “My mama so scary she went into a haunted house and came out with a Job application”
I’ve never hated a neighbour enough to get wind chimes.
Being held for questioning sounds more romantic than it is
[a guy walking his dog grabs my purse and they run off]
Me: Hey, that’s not nice! You get back here this instant and let me pet that dog!
If you’re ever pulled over by the police just tell them you pay their salary.
rise and shine we got egg
A mummy comes back to life, and is disappointed to be desiccated and decayed.
“This was a better idea on papyrus”
OK, if you get to refer to your favorite football team as “we,” then I definitely get to refer to the cast of Friends as “we.”
My pet snake took my kid’s disappearance so hard, he’s gained 110 lbs since last week.
If Twitter has taught me anything it’s
[several hours later]
time management.
I used to workout to get laid. Now its to impress whoever will be performing my autopsy.
My 7YO: (eats a triple ice cream cone, rides a pony, swims with dolphins, gets a new video game) mom, can I have this candy car?
Me: Wait til after dinner
Him: THIS IS THE WORST DAY EVER!
I was kicked out of mime school once. I hadn’t put the safety lock on and my finger guns went off. The whole class took cover in their boxes
I love strippers. They’re awesome. Plus I can’t get my girlfriend to do shit for a dollar.
[wife looking at credit card statement] did you buy a “talk like lil jon” audiobook
me: WHAT