You can’t give everyone everything they need. You are not a cruise ship.
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“Do you want to hear a really good Batman impression?”
“Go on then”
“NOT THE KRYPTONITE!”
“That’s Superman”
“Thanks, I’ve been practicing.”
*tries on a gas mask*
Me: Shit, I don’t look anything like a gas.
I’m too old to still be “getting too old for this.” I’ve arrived.
When you don’t understand how floors work
[Job interview]
Interviewer: Do you have any questions?
Me: Who closes the door when the bus driver gets off the bus?
Interviewer: Holy shit
Who knows what my boss meant when he said I had a lackadaisical attitude but truthfully I don’t care and I’m not interested in finding out.
Does anyone else pack underwear for a trip like they’re planning on shitting themselves twice for every day they’re gone?
“A journey of a thousand miles begins with a single step” but so does the one from the living room to the kitchen for snacks and it’s a lot less tiring.
Doctor: Wow your blood pressure is through the roof
Me: Oh come on it’s not that bad
Doctor: Your eye is literally twitching
Me: *sipping on my eighth coffee of the day* stop being dramatic medicine boi
I can’t stop coughing. Think I’ll go see a movie in a crowded theater while slowly eating a bag of bone-dry popcorn.
Her: Well, I know I told you that.
Me: *closes eyes*
Her: What are you doing?
Me: Checking for it in my spam folder.
Nature can teach us a lot about navigating the workplace.
Reject new projects like a deciduous tree: “Conditions are unfavorable for me to accommodate additional photosynthesis, so I will be dormant for the winter.”
For Christmas my wife gave me a coupon for “Swimming with Sharks.”
I got her a coupon for “Bungee Jumping.”
We both have a death wish or we have been together too long.
All I got for Christmas was a sweater, I would’ve preferred a moaner or a biter.
If you don’t think monkeys are adorable, then you can suck macaque.
Q-tips have a wide variety of household uses
SCAM ALERT – IMPORTANT
The cat has already been fed.
My kid, holding a jug of apple juice:
“Mommy can you open this?”Me, in the shower:
“Ask your father.”
Let me sing you the song of my people
*moves and 97 joints pop*
Opening twitter feels like visiting a recently abandoned house – you can still see how things have been but every now and then a picture falls from the wall and no one bothers to look what’s causing the weird smell in the kitchen
Reese’s peanut butter cups contain only 3% of our daily recommended protein. But if you eat 97 of them… wait, is that right?
What’s the difference between carbon monoxide and spouses?
Carbon monoxide is a silent killer.
Damn, Twitter. If I wanted to get ignored this hard, I’d yell at my kids
First date Idea.
We tag team wrestle another couple.
Valentine’s Day is a stupid and made up holiday unless someone wants to give me a present in which case I really believe in celebrating it
when I was 9 I thought anyone who preferred strawberry ice cream was weird and sad and now I love strawberry ice cream so I was right
I forgot my earphones this morning and for a moment I thought wouldn’t it be great if my audio book had subtitles
Living well is decent revenge but the kind with catapults and fire is way better.
My kids still haven’t started school yet and I can’t wait to get them out of my house I mean get their education started.
Can’t wait for the google doodle guy to get dumped and make things super personal.