You can’t give me a mini fan at work and expect me not to spend the whole morning pretending I’m a model doing a photo shoot. It’s science.
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Today, nobody showed up to my 8.15am class.
0 students of about 40. Sitting in the empty room, I email them, trying to disguise my hurt feelings.
2 mins later, I get a reply: “Professor, we think you might be in the wrong room.” So anyway off I go to live in a hole forever.
[to hot girl at bus stop as bus approaches]
“I could easily afford to get on that if I wanted to.”
Couples therapist: So what brought you here today?
Me: An uber haha
Wife: omg this is what I’m talking about!
Couples Therapist: Yes
Wife: He’s hilarious but useless in bed
This is why I don’t delete Facebook
My kids are arguing over who gets to bring the garbage cans in, proving, once again, that kids will fight about anything.
[last supper]
“Wine!” exclaims Jesus touching everyone’s water glasses. “Wine, wine, wine [arrives at Judas] Mountain Dew lol.”
Me drunk dialling “oh sorry wrong number”, my Dad “now wait a minute”.
What the world needs is a self help movie, cause lets face it, most of us won’t buy the book.
So… counting to ten in between multiple double cheeseburgers DOESN’T count as intermittent fasting?
1. gather ’round, young-uns, whiles I tellya bout how yer momma & I met, and also practice this genteel old-timey accent
Of the 4 people living in this house, I’m the only one who didn’t immediately try to touch the new cactus houseplant.
“No matter what it is, two chews and a swallow is all you need. Efficiency is the key…”
~Dogs probably
A LOT of men have told me “if neither of us is married by the time we’re 40…” and let me tell you, I’m just over one year away from cashing in big time
My 5-year-old got his first paper cut and now he won’t stop talking about his “spicy finger.”
A reality show where gay marriage opponents have to live under 100% Biblical laws for six months so they can show us how awesome it is.
*Batman pulls up to drive-thru*
“Large fries.”
“We’re serving breakfast sir.”
*destroys speaker with batarang*
“And I’m serving justice.”
[my funeral]
PRIEST: Now that Dave has been cremated, he can finally get that rest he has… URNed.
EVERYONE: 😐
ME (from beyond): 😁
please someone make a recipe page that’s literally just ingredients and instructions. if i have to scroll through one more essay about someone’s culinary awakening i am going to lose my mind
Girl seeing my torn jeans
Where’d you get those?!
*remembers trying to pee on a hill & stumbling backwards through thorn bushes*
The Gap.
Weird how James Bond was always like, ‘I’m 007’ like just be 7
this can’t be the same pay my coworkers are raising 3 kids with 🥲
Dad vacation to do list
1. Wake up at 6 AM for no reason
2. Buy a local newspaper
3. Complain about the coffee maker
4. Try to make people feel bad for sleeping in
5. Seafood
6. Call the GPS stupid
7. Organize the fishing stuff again
“Sir, do you have any dietary restrictions?”
*unbuttons pants*
“Not anymore!”
Actual warning I saw in a pamphlet:
“You may be at risk for throat cancer if you have a throat or mouth.”
Oh shit….
*putting fish sticks in a bowl
Anything can be cereal if you pour milk over it
Customer spelling her name:
Me: Is that V as in Victor or Z as in Zebra?
Her: Z as in Xylophone.And this, kids, is why education is key.
PEOPLE OF METROPOLIS: Is it a bird? Is it a plane?
SUPERMAN: These people don’t need a hero. They need a functional education system.
[invention of history]
Well last time you said you didn’t need to write it down and we both know how that turned out.
I will never have to admit to a mistake at work when I can blame the last person who quit
[making out]
ME: *grabs a blindfold from the nightstand*
GIRLFRIEND: omg really?
ME: *blindfolding the dog at the end of the bed* really.