@TeaAndCopy WIFE: Kate’s new baby is 7lbs 11oz
ME:
WIFE: Roughly ½ a stone
ME:
WIFE: 3½ kilos
ME:
WIFE: [sigh] a four pack of beer
ME: Oh cool
@NikiWithIssues You can’t give me a mini fan at work and expect me not to spend the whole morning pretending I’m a model doing a photo shoot. It’s science.
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@TeaAndCopy 
@weinerdog4life Golf Tip: Be sure and yell “FORE” before throwing your golf club at a jogger.
@noog God: What’s that?
Noah: The aquarium
God: For what?
Noah: The fish
God: Fish can survive floods
Noah: *kicks llama* YOU SAID EVERY ANIMAL
@BurhanHafeez1 Change is always hard….
Especially when a jar of it falls on your head.
@badbanana There was a sense of accomplishment finishing the daily newspaper. I literally have no idea when I’m supposed to stop reading the internet.
@radtoria Friend: You’ll find love again.
Me: STOP THREATENING ME
@Love_bug1016 When people try to play games with you, simply choose not to play. Unless it’s Naked Twister. Never turn down Naked Twister.
@KentWGraham My wife gives me the speaking treatment.
@briangaar Sorry babe, you knew you were dating a bad boy [shuffles Pokemon cards without the plastic covers]
@cool_yeah_ok Impress your date. Be wild. Flip the table. Flip it 360 so its upright again & nothing has moved except a roll that has flown into her mouth