You can’t give me a mini fan at work and expect me not to spend the whole morning pretending I’m a model doing a photo shoot. It’s science.
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CAR GPS: turn left
PHONE GPS: turn right
C: who was that?
ME: just a friend
P: just a friend?
ME: wait
C: make an illegal U-turn
ME: babe
I didn’t think it was possible to travel 10 years back in time until I got into an argument with my wife.
I’m only looking for friends that could survive a hippopotamus attack.
“Happy Anniversary to you both, may you have a long marriage with many more years ahead” she hexed.
DM:You’re so hot, wanna Skype?
Me: it is quite hot, and a skype sounds delicious. Is that vodka?
DM:
ME:hello…you there
when i was 17 my car started to spin out on the freeway during a blizzard and the only thing that snapped me out of my terror enough to be able to regain control was the chilling revelation that I didn’t want 2 Phones by Kevin Gates to be the soundtrack to my death
ME: *seductively removes her G-string*
HER: Could you please just hurry up and finish restringing my guitar?
If I ever go missing, just follow my kids. They can find me no matter where I try to hide!
me: hi do you take walk-ins
the morgue: what
[apiary]
ME: Are you the beekeeper?
BEEKEEPER: Yup
ME: Can I get some?
BEEKEEPER: Nope
ME: Is it because you k—
BEEKEEPER: I keep them