You can’t go by good looks as not everything is as it seems. Remember The Trojan Horse, Snow White’s apple and your ex.
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I’m totally winning this weight watchers thing! I’ve eaten more points than everyone!!!
I hope I’m doing this right…
when people say they’re into genealogy I pretend to be interested, but deep down I know magic lamps aren’t real
Girlfriend: It’s 11:11, make a wish
Me (eyes roll): *stares out window*
Girlfriend: [gets text message] Crap, I have to go home
Me: Holy shit
[Seahawks locker room]
Coach: okay if we want to win we will need to have a bigger number for the score!
Wilson: well put! Well put!
If she thinks Simon and Garfunkel are the names of your lawyers, she may be too young for you bro.
The lady at McDonald’s gave me an extra pack of fries for free. I hope she is ok with the names I picked out for our children.
My whole life is like when you’re talking to someone and your gum falls out of your mouth.
I hate to get all religious on you but can I just have a minute of your time to talk about my air fryer?
I could ride my Peloton from here on the east coast all the way across the country and off a cliff into the Pacific Ocean and never stop to eat and people will still ask when I am due as I plummet
Wanna feel old? Subtract your birth year from the current year.
Ideas for getting more exercise:
– Move the biscuits farther away
– Buy a heavier kettle
The man in front of me is buying a pregnancy test. I bet this is the one time in his life, he wishes she sent him for tampons.
When I was young I wanted to be married by 25, but now I think I’ll be married by 30 (I’m 41 for context)
a bottle of cyanide labeled GHOST PILLS
u guys do know that when u say “frig” we ALL know what you mean? At this point u might as well just say “frog pig” its not even that bad
Friend: I’m visiting the U.K. this summer. Should I pack for warm weather or cold weather?
Me: yes
I wish kid’s socks were biodegradable and came on rolls like paper towel. Just rip off a new pair every day and throw the only one you can find from yesterday in the garden
[Doing a crossword quiz]
Wife: what is an exclamation of impatience. 6 letters.
Me: “faaark”?
[Starbucks]
What can I get you?I’ll have a large coffee, black
“You don’t have to say black”
I’ll have a large coffee, African American
3 things you never get back :
A word after it’s said
Time after it’s passed
Your pen if I really like it
[1st day as an animal researcher]
*tagging a bear*
Me: you’re it
Wearing my lesbian boots today. Well, they’re faux lesbian. I don’t believe in using lesbians for leather, even if they’re farm-raised.
If you like a girl in the gym aggressively walk up to her and say, “Hey babe, let me show you how that exercise is supposed to be done, sweetheart.” Instant phone number.
Sure it was spent alone in a desert hut, but Obi Wan basically wore a bathrobe for 19 years and I have nothing but respect.
I just sent a screen shot of my drunken tweets to my friends & they are still asking if I can come pick them up
I don’t need to read the room I already know how it ends
Spider 911: Hello
Spider: My friends and I were drinking heavily
Spider 911: That’s not an emer-
Spider: We decided to play Twister
Spider 911: Oh no
Spider: *crying* Help us
My friend thinks her husband is cheating on her. I don’t have the heart to tell her he’s just out chasing Pokemon.
My housemates are convinced our house is haunted. I’ve lived here for 274 years and not noticed anything strange.
It’s so unfair in life you meet the adult equivalents of the bad kids from Charlie & the Chocolate Factory and you’re not allowed to murder them in various ironic ways.