You can’t have your cake and thigh gap too.

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Me: Just because you don’t have school doesn’t mean you can go without pants.

5yo: I’m just gonna wear these invisible pants.


Interviewer: We offer great benefits.

Me: Can I take my two weeks vacation before I start?


Just witnessed a white girl take a selfie with her coffee in Starbucks. I always heard the legends but never thought I’d see it in the wild.


2 friends and I once pulled the 3 kids in a trenchcoat trick & killed a man got tried as an adult but when they hung mike, paul & I fell out


Karate Kid (1984) Two grown adults enlist minors to fight a martial arts proxy war.


Sucks how every girl I’m interested in is either taken or has good taste in men.


smoking a cigarette reduces your life by 11min unless you smoke it real fast then it only takes like 3 or 4


VAMPIRE: ur making this weird

ME: my neck is ticklish!


My doctor just used a tongue depressor on me so I’m going out for ice cream to cheer the little guy up.