@melibuff

You can’t have your cake and thigh gap too.

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@wildrainbow2

Me: Just because you don’t have school doesn’t mean you can go without pants.

5yo: I’m just gonna wear these invisible pants.

@DevilryFun

Interviewer: We offer great benefits.

Me: Can I take my two weeks vacation before I start?

@drubicabra

Just witnessed a white girl take a selfie with her coffee in Starbucks. I always heard the legends but never thought I’d see it in the wild.

@timfrom2005

2 friends and I once pulled the 3 kids in a trenchcoat trick & killed a man got tried as an adult but when they hung mike, paul & I fell out

@longwall26

Karate Kid (1984) Two grown adults enlist minors to fight a martial arts proxy war.

@SteveDutzy

Sucks how every girl I’m interested in is either taken or has good taste in men.

@scootergonscoot

smoking a cigarette reduces your life by 11min unless you smoke it real fast then it only takes like 3 or 4

@aotakeo

VAMPIRE: ur making this weird

ME: my neck is ticklish!

@DurtMcHurtt

My doctor just used a tongue depressor on me so I’m going out for ice cream to cheer the little guy up.