You can’t have your cake and thigh gap too.
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-gestures to everything in the Garage-
Me- THESE ARE MY TOOLS AND I AM THEIR KING!!!
Wife- YOU’RE a tool
Me- DAMN RIGHT I AM
Wait..what?
“hey dad, when did they outlaw hyperboles?”
“hmm i dont know son, like a bajillion million years ago? idiot”
*cops bust down door*
*opening a bag of chips*
Librarian: Ma’am, you can’t have food in the library
Me: It’s my emotional support snack
[at the office]
Batman: somebody hit the batmobile while I was inside the building.Harvey Dent:
I told my wife that she was sounding like her mother and I realized that was a mistake after I regained consciousness.
I tried to renew my subscription to a magazine & somehow duplicated the subscription. After finally canceling one, I did so, & now at the same name & the same *address* I simultaneously receive both a copy of the magazine & “we’d love for you to resubscribe” letters every month.
My father: you can’t tell me what to do! THERE ARE NO RULES.
Me: …Dad, this is a card game.
My mom told me never to steal kitchen utensils.
But, it’s a whisk I’m willing to take.
My Cat: REMEMBER THE PACTS FORGED BETWEEN OUR PEOPLES LONG AGO.
Me: Stop it, it’s 6 in the morning.
Cat: YOU PLEDGED ETERNAL SERVITUDE.
Me: I did not.
Cat: IN EXCHANGE WE WOULD COME TO YOUR AID IN YOUR HOUR OF NEED.
Me: I’m not feeding you.
Cat: REMEMBER THE PACTS.
Schools need to start doing pictures on the first day. It’s the only day I remember to try to make my kids look presentable.
“You can have more degrees than a thermometer & still be dumb as shit.”
– Old Southern Proverb
People who sleep on the floor in a tent, build fires, poop in a hole and fight off bears…there is another way.
My wife and I tried for a long time to have kids. Nearly 12 minutes one night.
A coworker just complained that nobody was talking to her and I really wish I had her kind of problems.
*bends over to pick a four leaf clover but gets struck by a falling ACME safe before doing so*
On a scale of “glass half full” to “no plunger in your bathroom”, how optimistic are you?
About the only thing I’ve learned from playing Angry Birds is that the pigs could definitely benefit from a comprehensive revamp of their building codes which currently allow construction using unsecured masonry, glass, balloons, and boxes of TNT.
look at me when i’m typing to you
Sex so good, my left hand is making my right hand a sandwich.
Me: how is she?
Dr: well we’ve managed to save the leg
Me: oh thank god
Dr: she died
Me: …
Dr: so do you want the leg or what?
[inventing trees]
Angel: what purpose do they serve?
God: they give us oxygen. Also cats like to climb em
Angel: can they climb back down?
God [inventing the fire dept]: they cannot
The absolute effort that went into this omg
October is when everyone changes their handle and their avi and now I’m completely lost.
Gotta love it when people get a half inch of snow and think the world is ending.
Canadian up.
My go-to office prank is to sneak onto someone’s unattended Facebook page and post “I’m undecided, which should I get, iPhone or Android?”
The 250 million year old Himalayan salt I bought expires in November 2018
INTERVIEWER: Tell me one of your weaknesses.
ME: I sometimes mistake professional behavior for flirting.
INTERVIEWER: There is zero chance we’d ever hire someone with that issue.
ME: Listen, I’m flattered, but I’m married.
This burrito reminds me of the time I accidentally opened the wrong can of food when I was drunk.
Dog food…I accidentally ate dog food.
In my dream I see us all standing together, throwing away differences and rallying for the abolition of mayo escape-holes in loaf bread.
*Answers door naked*
Jehovah’s Witnesses… 😲
Me: Do you have a moment to let me tell you about my sex life? Here, have this pamphlet.