You can’t hurt me. You aren’t an empty bag of Reese’s.
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my biggest fear is waking up and being in the renaissance era or something. imagine having the knowledge of hotdogs but lacking the tools to make them
Worst part of my old job was drug screenings. Had to tell a guy he was pregnant. Lesson: don’t use your girlfriend’s urine for testing.
Anne Has A Problem
Anne Has A Solution
Anne Has A Will
Anne Hathaway
Asked my 1st grade students the riddle: What has four fingers and a thumb but is not alive? (A glove.) First response: “My Aunt Lydia.”
Twitter is like:
funny joke
funny joke
funny joke
HORRIFIC IMAGE YOU CAN NEVER UNSEE
funny joke
funny joke
angry guy who didn’t get the joke
I like to stand next to a stranger on the elevator and whisper, “I read what you said on the internet.”
Apparently I have been on Twitter 13 years as of today and I really have to ask myself what the hell I am thinking
Not sure if i should be proud of this or not, but our employee handbook had 37 new rules added since i started working here.
[speed dating]
Her: Nice to meet you
Me [on meth]:
I HAVE MISUNDERSTOOD THE SITUATION
Deodorant? No, I’ve never needed to buy any. People just give it to me, complete strangers sometimes
Do you ever have irrational anger at some random person in your life you will never see again? For me it’s that lady who woke me up for snoring during Cats.
If Kevin Bacon didn’t acknowledge his kids as “Bacon Bits” I’ll be forever disappointed.
Im on a date I want to leave how do i leave without-nevermind I said that out loud he left
Person: how does writing work?
Writer: well you type & you delete. You rethink. Then you do 187 min of research & correct it. You reread & wonder if you have a grasp of English. Then you revise
Person: then you’re done with the book?
Writer: then you move to the next sentence
8yo me: i wanta be a paleontologist when i grow up
28yo me: (sifting through cat litter) oh look, a quarter!
my milkshake brings all the boys to the yard and i ate them because im a velociraptor disguised as a milkshake vendor lol owned
Doctor: are u high?
Me: no, why?
D: bc ur dressed like Batman
M: well maybe Batman dresses like me
D:…
M: alright yea im a lil high
John Lennon: Here I stand head in hand, Turn my face to the wall—
Me: um, it’s fine if you just count to 20 while we hide
her: HELP ME! I’m bleeding out!
me: Not on my watch you aren’t!
her: Oh, my hero! Thank you!
me [tucking watch in pocket] Huh?
Therapist: You try too hard to get people to like you
Me: [painting her toenails] I need a “for instance”
One of life’s great pleasures is to watch two idiots agree on something and then hear one of them say “Great minds think alike”.
Things I’ve learned as a mom:
Kiss boo boo’s.
Say I love you a lot.
Snuggle when they ask.
Do laundry daily.
Hide the good snacks.
Doug is just Canadian for dog
6-year-old: Why do cars have cup holders?
Me: For cups.
6: But you can’t drink and drive.
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Me: Can you hear my chips?
[asteroid destroys earth]
God: *wakes up* hey I was WATCHING that
gym bro: “dude are you using disney+ to watch rapunzel’s tangled adventure in between sets?”
me:
My teen can’t seem to make her own bowl of cereal, but she can make a Tik Tok recipe with 17 ingredients.
Hannibal Lecter didn’t have to be a serial killer, he was scary enough as a foodie.
My wife makes us recycle everything.
*empties condom into sink*