Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Modeled nude for an art class today at my local college. They didn’t ask, I just felt like it.

9-year-old: Can I spend the night at my friend’s house this weekend?

Me: Sure.

9: Can I spend two nights?

Me: You can live there. Just tell her mom to send over the papers.

YOU CAN ORDER AN AIR HORN ON AMAZON AND BRING THE FIGHT DIRECTLY TO THE GEESE.

I plan on being Batman for Halloween.

And now that I’ve told you all this, I realize I’m actually one shitty Batman.

HER: Whisper in my ear

ME: [softly] We’re cursed chimpanzees stranded on a giant rock orbiting a treacherous star

My therapist told me to write letters to the people I hate & then burn them. I wonder what I should do with the letters.

I hit my daily fruit intake yesterday by eating all the fruit garnishments in and on my drinks

Me: “I think it’s time for a change. Should I paint the bathroom?”

5yo: “Yes!”

Me: “What colors?”

5yo: “The same!”

My wife had me try three new positions in the bedroom last night. But she ended up wanting the dresser back where it was.

I had the car up on the jack loosening the lug nuts, neighbor says you’re going to kill yourself here let me show you, and that’s how you get someone to change a tire for you.

I answer my front door in my coat, if it’s someone I want to see I say I’ve just got in and if it’s someone I really don’t want to see I say I was just on my way out, works every time.

Me: *screaming*
HELP!! AHHHH! HELP! I CAN’T SEE!!

Him: Are you stuck in your sweater again?

Me: *muffled voice*
Maybe.

Drove by an SUV limo parked on somebody’s front lawn with a “For Sale” sign. Who is buying a random limo on a whim

Relationship status:

My neighbour/girlfriend was kidnapped but she’s ok now, I was caught.

When people on House Hunters complain about the color of the room are they not aware of the miracle that is paint?

Boss: I suspect one of you is dead
[Everyone looks at me, except for Paul, who is not moving at all]

Following Facebook saga of a missing cat. The husband rang his wife to say he’d found it but it was hissing at him and fighting with their other cats. When wife got home the cat he’d found was a different colour, size and sex to the missing cat. He’d kidnapped someone else’s cat.

Spoiler alert: Your ’97 Nissan Sentra doesn’t need one.

Everyone on the bus thinks that they are the main character, when in reality the main character is the bus

A panic attack is hearing your teens laughing in another room at the same time you can’t find your phone.

Me: *Sweeping*

Wife: Excuse me

Me: *Slams broom on floor* YOU SHALL NOT PASS

Wife: …

Me: That’s from lord of

Wife: MOVE!

Me: *Moves*

People at work: you’re hilarious,man

Family: you’re really funny

Friends: you’re the funniest guy we know

Twitter: you’re occasionally witty, but don’t quit your day job

Wife: you’re an idiot. that’s not funny.

7: Are monsters real Mommy?

Me: Yes, they are. They’re in my office and they “reply all” on emails.

“Thou shall keep swimming” -Nemonians 7:69 

Update on Dad Watching Discovery Channel: he just muttered “you son of a bitch” to a Hippo who chased off the lesser-dominate Hippo he liked

I’m getting old. I wake up now and my body is like…

Bladder: better hurry up!

Back: woah, no sudden movements!

Foot: CRAMP!

Head: ouch, did we drink last night?

Neck: CRAMP!

Back: WHAT DID I SAY ABOUT SUDDEN MOVEMENTS!

Bladder: um, so I’ve got some news…

Whoa, just saw two FedEx guys pass each other without waving. Wonder what’s going on there.

[commercial for soup]
Have you ever wanted to eat regular food only with water poured all over it?
NARRATOR: SOUP

Panda express…🐶🐾🐼💨😅