You can’t hurt me. You’re not a disappointing sandwich.
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(mcdonalds drive thru employee hands me bag) wow that was fast. you must’ve made this before
I have an irrational fear that I’m accidentally making up words. I don’t want to be misunderstandable.
[text]
11:56 pm
Her: whatcha doin?
Me: taking a shit12:03 am
Her: whatcha doin now?
Me: same shit different day
*Sad trombone noise*
Cop [holding breathalyser] “How the hell did you do that?”
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: *stops sculpting a Lionel Richie head* Nope. What’s up?
Remember, YOUR God is real. All those other Gods are ridiculous, made-up nonsense. But not yours. Your God is real. Whichever one that is.
*composes email*
*proofreads*
*hovers mouse over send button*
*proofreads again*
*is about to send*
*proofreads a third time*
*gets glass of water*
*proofreads once more*
*finally sends email*
*re-reads email just for good measure*
OH NO I SAID HITLER INSTEAD OF HELLO
I went on a date with a dolphin today, we just clicked.
Congratulations a celebrity blocked you. You were so annoying that they noticed you through all the Twitter noise. You must be a real prize.
All units be on the lookout, suspect is armed with hunky shoulders, soft eyes and dreamboat hair. I don’t even remember what he did anymore.
One of my coworkers keeps stealing my lunch, so I included my favorite cucumber today. Hope she likes it.
*the doctor looks up at me after reviewing my blood test for several minutes*
are you sure you’re not a donut?
Mom A at the park: We allow 1 hour of screen time a week
Mom B: We are a screen-free home
Me: My daughter named her new doll PBS Kids Dot Org
ME AT 19: I’m gonna travel to so many countries!
ME AT 29: I’m gonna try a new craft beer!
ME AT 39: I’m gonna try a different cat litter
having children is great because just when you’re on the brink of insanity from overstimulation one of them will launch into an hour long educational session on pokemon
Facebook is terrific way to connect with classmates who haven’t aged as well as you.
HOT KRAFT SINGLES IN YOUR AREA CAN’T WAIT TO BE MELTED BETWEEN TWO SLICES OF BREAD!!!
it is my belief that rhinos and hippos are husband and wife
If I was a witch, I’d curse you to have to wear tight jeans to Thanksgiving dinner.
No parenting books prepared me for the exhaustion of constantly being excited about the mundane stuff that blows my 4 year old’s mind. Wow, a red pen! Wow, our cat! Wow, a slice of cheese with holes in it!
me: our first night as man and wife
bride: you know what that means 😉
me: yep, I can finally show you *pulls mouse from pocket* this
bride: what
me: I dressed him up to look like will ferrel
spouse: why
me: cause I’ve been saving mice elf for marriage
Just got unfollowed by exorcist scary looking lady with crazy eyes who has “will get in cars with strangers” in her bio. I’m hiding……..
I hated muffins until I was 17 & saw someone remove the wrapper on the bottom of a muffin before eating one. Prior to this, I thought it was just part of the muffin eating experience & would angrily eat muffin wrappers because… I just thought that I had to.
her: why is the cat so sparkly?
me: I think she looks fabulous.
her: WHAT DID YOU PUT IN THE LITTER BOX?
me: you mean the glitter box?
Put my too-weak notice in at the gym.
Doctors say “internal bleeding” like it’s a bad thing. Blood is supposed to be internal, idiots.
You never really forget how to misquote sayings. It’s like buying a bicycle
If you’re out of wallpaper, you can always resort to using a few rolls of duct tape for that nice silver look.
If I lived in Alabama, I’d name my daughter, ‘Banjo-lina”.
*Turning off led flashlight.
Led flashlight: hahahahaha