You can’t hurt me, you’re not Amazon Prime telling me that I might also like Crocs.
You Might Also Like
I don’t mean to brag but I’m pretty lonely for a girl with an extensive action figure collection AND a fear of rocking chairs.
If you’re ever attacked by a bear play deaf, be like “I can’t even hear you bear”
Most couples have at least one odd bit of cutlery in their cutlery drawer that they presume belongs to their partner, which is why it’s fun to sneak odd bits of cutlery into your friends’ cutlery drawer when you visit.
Please keep my boyfriend in your thoughts; we’ve entered the part of our relationship where friends who got together after us have started getting engaged.
[First day as a mortician]
Me: Anybody seen my grapes?
[Later]
Widow: *looking down at casket* His eyes look weird
Me: so you know how people just throw away dog poop?
Her: I already hate where this is going
Me: I’m gonna collect it and sell it as fertilizer. I’m gonna be an—
Her: *softly* no
Me: entre-manure
Her: I’m staying with my sister
Familiarity with a stranger might mean they’re an old soul you knew in a former life.
But it’s more likely a sociopath.
~Inspirational
Viagra shipment stolen. Police are looking for hardened criminals
BREAKING NEWS
Literally to be eliminated from the English language in 2015
Use it while you can, white girls
8 asked if he could draw my face and was super proud of the result.
Unrelated, he now lives with a neighbour.
My neighbor just told me “I’m going on a date with a new guy tonight. I think he’s in a cult. Still better than the biter.” Every married person should have a single friend who’s still on the apps, the divorce rate would approach zero
Never judge a book by its cover…
Take it to dinner and see how it treats the waitstaff, then judge it.
*Banging on the bottom of my brain with a broomstick* HEY KEEP IT DOWN UP THERE
[Lois & Superman’s first date]
Superman: You look beautiful, Loren.
Lois: What? Who’s Loren?!
*Superman flies around the earth and reverses time*
Superman: You look beautiful, Lois.
I never finish anything. I have a black belt in partial arts.
The worst part about getting arrested by a motorcycle cop is having to hug him from behind all the way back to the precinct.
I wanted to lose 10 pounds this year. Only 13 to go.
Alarm clocks would be much more effective if instead of a snooze button they just released bees.
[ interview ]
cable company: where do you see yourself in five years
me: you mean between 3 and 8 years from now?
cable company: when can you start
me: between monday and july
Our dog came in half-frozen after her walk. I haven’t seen that cat grinning this big since our dog had to wear the cone of shame.
What happens when you eat too many spaghettiOs?
You have a vowel movement.
Currently binge watching old eclipses to get caught up for tomorrow.
Me: you feel like doing something?
Her: sure, I have a few hours to kill
Me: maybe after the killing then
elephants are scared of mice they’re like 100x their size, stupid massive wimps
[a wasp flies in my car and i completely drive off a bridge]
My life as a parent is less Mary Poppins and more Shawshank Redemption.
Ok I’ll bite, what is elon musk
Christmas decorations should come with coupons for couples counseling.
some days I’m all [sound of a fluffy cloud violently smashing into a mountain] other days I’m [sound of crocodiles gently eating a mitten]
My husband just made me watch a documentary about pizza while I can’t get pizza delivered and this is why the divorce rate is going to be so high after this shit
I think one reason babies cry on planes is because flying sucks & babies aren’t liars like you & me.