You can’t hurt me. You’re not how I look first thing in the morning.
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[inventor of the piano]
Tables aren’t noisy enough.
Attention: Due to inflation, people like you are now a dime and a nickel a dozen.
Since when is a sweater vest not business casual?
Work is telling me I can’t wear them anymore unless I have a shirt underneath.
I HAVE FINALLY MET MY DREAM MAN
I’ve yet to find the village where people help you raise your kids
We parents need to stop threatening our kids with a lump of coal. It’s cruel and outdated.
Behave or Santa will break your iPad, kids.
“WHY ARE YOU RIPPING OUT ALL OF YOUR FUR?!!”
-my dog, when I wax
Yeah, I experimented in college. I tried beet chips.
“Right, whose round is it?”
Translation: It is not my round and I know whose round it is.
just think, if you hadn’t had kids to tell you otherwise you might still be walking around thinking you were cool. lol how embarrassing would that be
thought I was all good when my doctor said i was healthy as a horse; turns out he was referring to one specific horse, ‘Sick Matthew’
“You couldn’t handle me at my worst”
OMG, you mean this isn’t it.
And that’s how the fight started.
I have started going to a psychiatrist about my belief that I’m an owl and I haven’t looked back since.
“NOAH. YOU WILL BUILD AN ARK”
k
“NOT “K” THIS IS IMPORTANT”
Sorry
“THATS OK. TAKE 2 OF EVERY ANIMAL ON IT”
Even fish?
*THUNDER*
“NO NOT FISH
My husband: JUST TRUST ME
Me: Uhh you wanted to name both of our kids Atomic
Love thy neighbor’s dog
What I like about greyhounds is that they look like they evolved specifically to fit their snoots into tall and narrow pickle jars.
Moved the bed for the first time in years and found 47 hair ties, a toy steak, and the lost city of atlantis
People complain about jury duty as if listening to true crime all day and being sequestered at night isn’t secretly every mother’s fantasy.
What do you mean your “water broke”? Did the H2 fall off the O?
I shutter to think of all the things my neighbors have seen me do through their blinds.
Found out recently that right-clicking on the send ‘arrow’ in Teams chat lets you schedule the message to be sent at a later time of your choosing. And yes I’m heavily abusing this feature.
remembering the time i crashed an oscar watching party with a handful of TV people in los feliz and brought a tres leches cake as my offering to have one of the actors stand up and declare it was “DAIRY” with a measure of disgust
Why aren’t these people with Ebola doing the ice bucket challenge? Don’t they want to get better?
[planning heist]
leader: the security guard will take his break from 3:15 to 3:30 so that’s when you will-[notices my disapproving expression] what?
me: that’s when I take my break too tho
80% of adulthood is trying to figure out what upset your stomach.
H: Did you remember to pick up the seal so the tub will stop leaking?
M: *holding a baby seal* You should have been more specific.
Is….Is this an option?
serial killers saw these glasses and were like “yoooooo”
Sweatpants ✅
Headband ✅
Wristbands ✅
Jockstrap ✅“Welcome to Olive Garden’s all you can eat pasta night.”