You can’t hurt me. You’re not how I look first thing in the morning.
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I should probably do some housework before they try to film the next Febreeze commercial here.
Stop shaming yourself for not pursuing a traditional career path. “Sea-witch who steals voices” is a real job. “Lady with snakes for hair” is a real job. “Prophetic hag who appears only in dreams” is a real job. Your career is valid ❤️
Started amusing myself in work meetings by adding “No pun intended” after comments I make with absolutely no pun or double meaning in them, then spend the next five minutes watching people’s faces as they are clearly trying to work out what the “pun” was
Me: Will my girlfriend be ok using Chanel 5 if she’s never used Chanel 1-4
Salesgirl: *into walkie talkie* security he’s back here again
Cop: raise your hands
Me: ok, but if you looked down you’d see the same thing
C: ma’am?
M: they’re right there
C: how high are you?
M: yes
inside you there are two wolves. one snores like “honk shoo honk shoo honk shoo.” the other one snores like “hooooonk mi mi mi”
If zombies eat brains, 90% of Twitter is safe.
Secretly Canadians love it when people mistake them for Amer-
*is decapitated by a hockey stick*
Not sure where I went wrong, he said he liked “it wild” so I crawled through his window dressed as Pennywise and dragged him into the woods but; maybe he’s not into redheads.
“I don’t think being an only child affected me at all.”
I say, as I straighten my tiara, whilst eating the last cookie.
*Updates dating profile*
Must be within walking distance due to gas prices.
the worst part about lockdown is thinking of all those Pokémon outside just waiting to be found
*scrolls ur TL*
*finds ur tweet from 2 yrs ago.*
*eerily similar to mine from day before*“She stole my tweet AND built a time machine?!”
Sticker placement is key.
Some people just want to watch the world bake at 350° for 45 minutes.
“come on there is no place safer than on the surface of an asteroid out in the middle of space what could possibly happen out here”
“I believe I can fry” – R Kelly filling out McDonald’s application
this idiot cop is still behind me w/ his siren on, I keep moving out of the way & waving & yelling “GO AROUND,” man is he stupid
The bank refused to approve my loan without collateral so I reached into my purse and pulled out three avocados.
I forgot the word for decaf so called it a despresso
If I have a son, he’s going to be named Alvin Simon Theodore, and it’ll be funny as hell whenever anyone gets mad and yells his full name.
A beautiful woman said hi to me at the store and I panicked and said Merry Christmas.
Not being able to see likes on comments is a tragedy. Love it when two people are arguing and you can see all their little backup dancers
The perfect Christmas lights display doesn’t exi……..
me: i’m so sad and hopeless and directionless
my brains: buy stuff
me: no listen i need a purpose
brain: a purchase?
New parent: So you have been a parent for 4 years. Any insight?
Me: It’s great. Sometimes you want to escape by faking your own death. But I’m sure it’s just a phase.
New parent: Oh, ok. How long does that last?
Me: So far? 4 years.
The Tooth Fairy plants all of those teeth as evidence
On your first day in prison, walk right up to the nicest guy in there and break his heart.
I am not gullible. I am just easily tricked- which someone told me is different.