You can’t intimidate me; you’re not a hairbrush.
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Daughter: Mommy, what’s that thing in your drawer that goes buzz buzz?
Me:
Daughter:
Me:
Daughter:
Me: GO TO YOUR ROOM!
fred: I can’t figure out who the monster is
scooby: that guy’s face smells like a rubber mask
fred: really no idea who it is
scooby: it’s him, it’s that guy–
fred: just no way to know
Just tell me which one is wrong, the password or the username!! Don’t make me have to guess.
me: [being beaten w/ nightstick] are u a virgo
cop: GET ON THE GROUND
me: that’s such a virgo thing to say
“Bob is coming over for dinner.”
Bob from work or Bob the giraffe?
*there’s a knock at the upstairs window*
Bad joke of the day:
How do dog catchers get paid?
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By the pound.
My personal history can best be understood as a series of catastrophes.
How to stop Facebook Live and Marketplace notifications:
1) Open Facebook app
2) Go to Settings
3) Throw your phone into a river
People with infectious laughs make me want to be a better laugher.
Me: I can’t get this star on top of the Christmas tree without a ladder, without dumping it over & ruining it.
Whiskey: Yes you can.
“In case of emergency break glass” Who do you think I am? Some sort of karate expert? I can’t even open a Cheetos bag.
GIRLS: if your boyfriend lives in a jar with a few pieces of grass, a leaf and a little twig. Congrats, you’re dating a bug.
Have single guys scared of the “Friend Zone” even heard of long-term relationships or marriage?
If being sexy is a crime then I’m not committing one.
Sober me will always have your back.Drunk me will convince you to get a tattoo of a unicorn doing a dolphin over a rainbow on your back.
Me: my point is, if you remove the potatoes from potato salad you aren’t left with salad
Deli Manager:
Me: so what else are you lying about
what day is it?
I’m old enough to remember the days of rolling blackouts. Admittedly, they were mostly caused by single malt, but still.
Dolly Madison should make snack cakes for diet “cheat days” and call them Ashley Madisons.
I think I’ll take the swab. Thanks though.
Any woman with three or more exes in her city could have told Obama how to avoid Putin in Normandy.
She complained to me that she found her boyfriend’s picture on a dating sight then got mad at me for asking why she was on the site. I should never answer my phone pre coffee.
Nothing freaks me out like trying to remember which brownies I packed in my son’s lunch box
A fun part of marriage is arguing over who deserves to use the charger in the car. PROVE IT, SHOW ME YOUR PERCENTAGE
Robert Downey Jr. will always be my hero, not because of Iron Man, but because he broke into someone’s home just to take a nap.
Parenting is like being a dive bartender: people shout drink orders, you have to listen to their problems, and the place looks like a dump.
My kids’ french fries were fried in peanut oil and the way I see it that counts as protein
Breaking news:
Suicide Squad spoiler: Jared Leto’s Joker is so twisted he puts big spoons in the drawer slots where the little spoons go.
Surprised to hear five people were shot at a Chris Brown show, most notably because why were there that many people at a Chris Brown show?