You can’t judge a book by its cover! That only works with people.
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I’m re-enacting Titanic today, I’m at the part where Rose is naked on the couch eating Corn Flakes and watching Storage Wars.
My dental hygienist is probably thinking, I bet i could braid this guys nose hair.
Watching my second grader type is like watching paint dry while also watching grass grow all while watching a pot boil.
I’d like a word with the person who started the rumor that I have a kitchen.
Friend: What do you get when you cross a dog with a rose? A Collie flower!
Me: Choose how you want to die.
Got so drunk last night that I was able to translate three Pearl Jam albums into English
Don’t open any messages you get from me. I’m not hacked, I’m just really mean
Don’t ever put money in a savings account because your house will find out and break something expensive.
It’s like you don’t even care that I filled my pockets with mashed potatoes and gravy for you
I was able to secretly eat an entire candy bar with my toddler in the same room so the CIA should be hiring me any minute now.
*in the cinema, quietly reading the book of the movie*
I think
Therefore I am
Tongue tied
noah’s google search history:
“wat is arc”
“why would god want circle segment”
“arc or ark”
“how many animals”
“5,000,000 x 2”
“is god real”
War vets with prosthetic limbs are running marathons and I’m busy trying to lasso the tv remote with my phone charger cord.
What I wanted to do was look cute making dirt angels for Earth Day. What I did was ruin an entire outfit.
If you see me shaking in my boots that’s just how I dance ok?!
I’m so sorry for your loss. Your husband is in a better place now.
“B-but he left me for a-”
-A richer woman? I know. Her house is gorgeous!
[writing Jurassic Park 2]
Writer 1: alright first things first, palaeontologists OUT
Writer 2: but it’s a dinosaur movie-
Writer 1: -bUt iTs A dInOsAuR mOviE STFU. Hairy chest mathematician IN
Have you ever cropped a picture as you texted it; the crop didn’t stick and now your wife is asking who that woman is?
*slides $5 to the funeral director*
Maybe you can get me the widow’s phone number?
Ten seconds into packing a box…aaaand I’ve lost the end of the tape
It’s too bad u can’t safely fill babies with helium. How cute would that be to look up and see hundreds of floating, chubby, happy, babies.
me: i lost my luggage.
airport worker: did you carry on?
me: *sigh* how can i?
I would like to see “artificial intelligence” assemble this tuna melt.
Welcome to your 40s: that “teenager”over there is actually 27.
WANTED: OOMPA LOOMPAS
Main duties:
– Machine Maintenance
– Chocolate Production
– Quality Control
– Singing when kids die