@ColoradoUgly

You can’t judge a book by its cover! That only works with people.

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@jctwritesstuff

*walks past yoga studio*
*looks in window*
*eyes widen*

Awesome. It’s like kindergarten.

*walks into class*
*unrolls mat*
*takes a nap*

@beefman138

What’s your stance on public intoxication?

Mine is very wobbly.

@djdarrellripley

Her: You have a cigarette machine in your kitchen?

Me: Well it would look ridiculous in the living room…

@Beatonm5

skippin the intro of a game and then realizin you have no idea what the objectives are just walking round aimlessly hoping something pops up

@ohhelloitsmax

She says talking to me is like talking to a kid.

Therapist: And how many years has this been going on?

*holds up 6 fingers* This many

@VerifiedDrunk

Jill on Facebook is trying to find a way to get cat diarrhea out of suede boots and I don’t think I’m hungry for lunch anymore. .

@Godhatespants

Him: drink?
Me: I have a boyfriend
Him: I have a goldfish
Me: What???
Him: I thought we were talking about shit that don’t matter

@daemonic3

[shark tank]

“Hi, what’s your product idea?”

Product? [holding bucket of live fish] I’m here to see the tank of sh-… I’ve made a mistake