You can’t just ask me why it takes me so long to get ready, would you tell Medusa to comb her snakes faster
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I get it, drug commercials. I too like to dance while I describe all my side effects
Please stop sending me sexy photos of yourselves, ladies. You’re distracting me while I try to read this book on reverse psychology.
I believe in you. But I also believe in aliens, big foot, and werewolves so don’t get too excited.
Person who is about to invent the coffee mug: Ouch! This coffee cup is too hot to pick up!
Boss: I don’t have time for this. Handle it.
Let me just slip into something a little more comfortable *comes back wearing a wizard costume*
don’t hate robert altman’s 1992 satirical comedy “the player” hate david fincher’s 1997 psychological thriller “the game”
ME: this mask should give me the best protection
SCUBA INSTRUCTOR: is that an N95
you know how there are wedding coordinators? why can’t there be moving coordinators? like, i want you to pack, move, turn off utilities, turn on new utilities, change my mailing address, clean the house and feed me.
how I passively talk to my kid
“customarily, the clothes go in the hamper”
I called a chai latte a “chatte,” and my husband laughed and said that was “actually funny,” and it’s nice to have him finally recognize my genius.
Thanks to technology, family members from across the country can still have meetings to discuss what a disappointment you are.
Sorry I armed a group of theoretical physicists with Sharpies and set them loose in your glass pane warehouse
Websites really should skip the log in screen and just go straight to the reset password screen.
In a parallel universe somewhere, all the Pumpkin Spice Lattes are getting really excited for White Girl season at Starbucks.
I entered my Chihuahua in an “ugliest dog” contest and I won first place!
The dog came third.
when Jason swung that sleeping bag with a girl in it against a tree in Friday the 13th, I bet for a brief moment the girl was like “wheeee!”
[Ad shows dude getting out of bed before noon on the weekend]
*professional stuntman do not attempt*
What did one ocean say to the other?
Nothing, it just waved.
Sea what I did there?
I’m shore you did.
Laugh, you son of a beach!
[girlfriend finally texts back]
ME: i’m so mad at you.
HER: i’m naked come over.
ME: i’m not really mad i was jk lol omw babe
*Wildebeest film crew clatters into David Attenborough’s bedroom*
ATTENBOROUGH: What the-
WILDEBEEST DIRECTOR: HOW DO YOU LIKE IT DAVID
Guys, if a girl just wants to “be friends,” then borrow $100 from her and never pay her back. Like a “friend” would.
Must be nice to only have body issues once a year.
My family crest is a hand protectively shielding a slice of pie and a Latin motto that translates as “I’m still working on it.”
I taught my 7yo chess and she’s created a lengthy backstory about how this once-peaceful community came to odds and a lengthy battle ensued. I am now of the mind that all chess should have a plot.
i’m sorry this is an insane national puppy day brand interaction
My New Years resolution is to be more of an enabler, like yes girl text your ex
Him: how about we finish dinner and you can show me your bedroom
Me: why wait? *pulls out cellphone and flips through photos of my room*
My husband excused himself from the table to take a work call. What’s the official waiting period on stealing his fries?
people are like ooohhh you’re twice divorced? yes. i like getting divorced, ok?
A triumphant is an especially successful elephant.