You can’t keep eating people’s lunches from the break room & blaming the Taliban. A lot of what you’ve been stealing is pork for one thing.
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The first rule of Suspense Club is͏
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howdy. i’m a sheriff in this here movie or show. and if i see somethin startlin? well… best believe i’m takin my hat off at it. real slow
Me: I wonder why I don’t have any friends and can’t seem to find anyone to date.
Also me:
2008: Busy, trying to balance work and home life.
2018: Busy watching a video of a lemon rolling down the street.
hey sorry i just saw this text u sent last month even though my phone is in my hand all day long including when i sleep
If you aren’t happy single, you won’t be happy taken. Real happiness comes from The Cheesecake Factory, not relationships.
My mother keeps saying my boyfriend seems like someone who’d be really good with children. Except, she’s never seen him interact with children. She’s only seen him interact with me. So idk where that impression comes from…
“It’s definitely better without a condom” I say, removing it from my soup
Gingerbread man: i’m just not cut out for this
Therapist: actually you absolutely are
Damn, Starbucks. Not only do you spell my name completely wrong AND screw up my order, but on my way out some woman keeps calling me a thief
In English, a double negative forms a positive. in some languages, like Russian, a double negative is still a negative. In no language in the world can a double positive form a negative.
yeah…. right…
Me: What am I going to do with these sick time management skills?
Twitter: hold my beer
[Running away from home]
Me: I didn’t even know houses could run this fast!
in today’s episode of ‘how strong is your marriage’ we take a trip to Home Depot to pick out a shade of white
The upside to wearing a mask at work is I can yawn in meetings and no one knows. The downside is I yawn so much I look like I’m crying
I’ve tried playing Jenga with children. But it’s so much easier using the little wooden blocks.
“I love potatoes in my mouth!!”
Ok, yes kid, we all do but you gotta be way more chill about it
One day you’re partying til 2am and waltzing into work the next morning
Then all of the sudden you “need a vacation from your vacation”
*drops a couple pew-pews from my finger guns into the offering basket at church*
How do American chickens cross the road? In a bucket.
wife: I wish you were more romantic
me *starts biting the chicken nugget I’m eating into the shape of a heart*
Sneaking into my neighbour’s home just to raid the kitchen and then accidently setting the house on fire is how I will end up in prison.
911: what’s your emergency
me: i need an ambulance at the public pool, jesus tried to do a cannonball
911: again?
me: he won’t listen to us
Agent school must be stressful when you have to decide whether to go the “insurance” or “secret” route.
when I was little, I drugged the milk to catch Santa. Next morning I found my dad passed out on the stairs. Well played Santa..
I gave peas a chance, but I won’t again. They know what they did.
“I gave your number to everyone on the playground so that their parents can call you for play dates whenever they want”
-my son casually threatening me as I tuck him into bed-
This text from my boss has every element: “Water you doing? Wind did you get to work this morning? Why on Earth did I hire you? You are Fire’d”
saving face 👀
My boss is going to fire the employee with the worst posture.
I have a hunch,
it might be me.