YOU CAN’T KICK ME OUT OF THE INTERNATIONAL HOUSE OF PANCAKES LINDA I HAVE DIPLOMATIC IMMUNITY
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A recipe book of “traditional English meals” called ‘we’re getting the bland back together’
Did you click the three dots? Yeah, I clicked the three dots. Okay under the three dots you should see- sorry, what? Oh yes, on some devices it will be three LINES. So if you could just click the three dots or the three lines- what? Oh yes, sorry, on some devices it’s a tap so if
Me: Our kids are finally at an age where we can sleep in on week-
Youth sports: Let me stop you right there.
Friend: are you ready for our hike?
Me: *filling my camelback with french onion soup* just about
I’m 6’ and I’m built like someone who overestimates by four inches
[first date]
“so what do you do?”
*thinking about the jar of coins I plan to use for new shrubs* I’m a hedge fund manager
I asked my 5-year-old what she was on because she was having such a good time wiggling and being weird. She looked at me like she finally met the dumbest person in the world, “the couch.”
Pronouns:
He
She
It
You
We
TheyAmateurnouns:
Whoozits
Whatsername
Thingamajig
*vague pointing*
Whatchamacallit
Dudes
5: Mommy, we can eat something if we not allergic?
Me: yep
5:right now?
Me:sure
5:BROTHER! Mom said we can have ice cream!
Me: sonofa…
My neighbor has brought me an iced coffee two days in a row. Weird way to propose but ok
ME: *does entire national anthem with armpit farts*
WIFE: see what I mean?
THERAPIST: Mmmhmm *writes in notes: “she’s nuts. This guy rules*
My husband says I’m addicted to spending money on pointless things. So I bought him a Llama to cheer him up.
Based on the number of AVI pics taken in your cars, I’m guessing that quite a few of you girls are on the run
me: how was your day
5: my day was horrible! i wanted to stay home but you made me go to school so i went! but then i went to the library and got a book, and made a book mark. it was great!
This time of year, I grab weeds while I’m walking my dog and weave them into little wreaths that I leave around the neighborhood… specifically because there is a woman on Next Door who is furious because she thinks they are signs of witchcraft. I encourage you to do the same.
imagine giving a baby gold then watching a guy whose present is a drum solo and realizing how badly you overshot it
Her: I want a man who will carry me to the bedroom
Me: I gotchu babe *Gives piggyback*
My stylist cut my bangs too short so now I look like a dreadfully concerned 7 year old.
kid: i need pencils for school
me: what kind
kid: number 2
[later at the store]
me: do you have any shit pencils
Found a picture of me sitting on Santa’s lap. Hard to believe it’s been a whole year.
flight attendant: would you like two peanuts
me: please
fa: thimble of soda
me: ok
fa: move your seat back 1/8″
me: oh gosh no, I don’t deserve to travel in this much luxury
FRIEND: are you going to watch star wars tonight?
ME: uhh…yeah…of course
[later]
ME: [looking up from telescope pointed at night sky] odd…they seem to all be getting along just fine
Become ungovernable.
I want to be the kind of person who eats half a grapefruit for breakfast and runs every morning but I also want to be happy
I just saw an 18 year old Girl Scout selling cookies in her uniform and I don’t know how to finish this tweet without sounding really creepy
When my phone rings, I stay very, very still. If I don’t move, it can’t see me.
burglar: [sits up in bed] did you hear that
wife: [sits up] oh my god
husband: [sits up] why are you in our bed
burglar’s wife: [walks in] you son of a bitch
I’ve been using the Netflix account of an ex for half a decade. We broke up in 2010 & in 2017 I got a text out of nowhere that said, “Do you watch anything that isn’t about death??” No. No I do not.
Me: *points at romantic relationships*
God: *slaps my hand* NO
Press A to HEED MY OMINOUS WARNING
Press B to SCOFF AND CONTINUE