You can’t leave the aquarium with a penguin.
It’s a stuffed animal I got in the gift shop.
Ma’am, it’s moving.
I GOT IT IN THE GIFT SHOP!
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The enemy of my enemy is my friend unless they don’t dance and if they don’t dance well they’re no friend of mine.
Sorry for levitating at the end of your bed all night, I just think you’re really cute
{emergency evacuation}
Police:For the last time you need to leave your house now!
Me:*frantically packing my Golden Girls DVD box set* ok ok
Does anyone else still miss that part of the pandemic where it was illegal for anyone to come near you?
Asking for a friend. x
Me: My new house is making lots of creaky sounds
Friend: That just means it’s settling
My fiancee: *creaky sounds*
A child is being pushed around in a pink toy convertible while eating a chocolate frosted donut, and I want to ask her how she got this job.
Some people are uncouth but not me, I’m super couthy.
[Oregon Trail 1852]
Doctor: Any final words?
Man dying of dysentery: *coughing* I just hope that this gruesome experience isn’t made into a game for children to play.
One of the coolest things about superhero films is that they can be any genre.
Science fiction? Guardians of the Galaxy.
Fantasy? Doctor Strange.
Sleep aid? Eternals.
I like my messages how I like my nuts – MIXED
her: I’m sick of you being so positive all the time. I’m leaving you
me: yes, it’s for the best
[Marvel pitch meeting]
“C’mon, just hear me out…”
“The answer is still no, Ted.”
Being married means never admitting you were the last one to see the item that is now lost.
[On a date]
Me: I want to be buried under a large oak tree, give my body back to the earth
Him: that’s so sweet
Me: no I mean right now
Before you make fun of older folks, just remember we know where ALL the bathrooms are
ME: jesus preached about the virtues of forgiveness
STUDENT LOAN SERVICER: yeah, still no
[hell]
me: wow it’s hot down hereguy: ya but it’s a dry heat
me: i totally get why you’re here
I always run towards screaming. Sure, it could be a horrible murder in progress. BUT it could also be ice cream.
Shout out to the top 5 phones, mega, micro, smart, speaker and get off the damn.
I love that we have computers and the Internet now, it’s much easier to publish a study, I just published one about bacon being a super food with all the vitamins and nutrients as kale but much better tasting.
My birth control is my 5yo running around in circles at 5am screaming “I have so much energy! I have so much energy! I have so much energy!”
on average, a shark can swallow up to 7 octopuses every night while it sleeps
We should remove the warning labels from everything and let the stupidity problem take care of itself.
How many cops does it take to change a lightbulb?
None, they just beat the room for being black.
*drops mic, gets beat by security*
Women’s time is different. My brother and I are still waiting for my mom to come out of the grocery store when she said it would be 30 minutes. That was 1986
When people try to debate me online I’m just going to suggest they read a book I make up and that doesn’t exist
My psychiatrist and I had a major breakthrough.
Now he can hear the voices too.
MEN TALKING TO FEMALE COWORKER BEFORE METOO:
“You look so pretty.”MEN TALKING TO FEMALE COWORKER AFTER METOO:
“You look so pretty… bUt i GueSs i’M nOt aLLoWeD tO sAy tHaT anYmOrE hAha!”
The most important part of living undetected in someone’s attic is to have fun and be yourself
Me: Rumplestiltskin is such an unrealistic fairy tale. Like anyone would really want a firstborn kid. They’re the worst.
12yo: I can hear you.