You can’t live on Cheetos and Oreos alone.
But God knows I’ve tried.
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Since they added those little mirrors on the ATM, I now get to see what having insufficient funds looks like on my face.
No one is going to sit in their death bed and think, “I wish I put in more hours at the office”
They’re going to think, “I wish I had corrected more people’s grammar on the internet”
To date, my most successful weight loss programs have been heartbreak, pneumonia and botulism.
If you like to fall asleep in bed but wake up on the floor, owning satin sheets might be for you.
Oh, I just remembered. You’re boring…. and my legs work!
I don’t want your undivided attention. I want your multiplied attention. Make clones of yourself and give me all of their attention too.
Religion: because reading one book is a lot easier than a whole bunch of hard ones.
“i used to live in india, now I live in indiana”
“is there a difference?”
“na”
[Bath & Body Works]
Me: I need a bottle of body lotion for my wife.
S: These are Buy 3 Get 1 Free.
Me: I just need this one here
S: That’s not Buy 3 Get 1 but it IS Buy 1 Get 2 and if you buy this one here it’s Buy 2 Get 3 Free.
Me [leaving with 300 bottles]: how did this happen
Editor’s note: sorry about ‘snowboard’ typo, should be ‘snowboarder’ found dead
As all of evolution expected, I’ve decided not to eat that butterfly with the angry looking eyes on its wings.
When you lose your phone and someone says ‘shall I call it’ like my phone hasn’t been on silent for the last 2691 years.
Tinder: Meet people within a few miles
Twitter: Meet people within a few thousand miles
My mom’s 60-something friend was set up with a 67-year-old guy who is “not looking for anything serious” in case you think that ever ends
doctor: I may have to amputate your feet if we can’t stop the infection
me: are there any steps I can take
doctor: not after I’m done
My alarm went off way too early today. I tried hitting the snooze button but as it turns out – my kid bites.
I’ve gone unverified for 5,000 years.
Why change now?
[group therapy]
me: you ever feel so full of rage that you wish you could just ram somebody with your car and then throat punch them when they stumble out?
voldemort: uhh no
joker: yikes
darth vader: seriously what is wrong with you
People on dating apps always say they’re looking for a “partner in crime”, but when you try to organise a cock fighting tournament in their living room they suddenly “need to check with their landlord”. I already bought the roosters.
her: that lion is charging
me: hang on [googling] our escape velocity is its distance divided by its speed, then add
her: ok it has my leg, now what
My favourite interaction on this hellish site just happened
I just now realized the guy at the urinal that complemented my watch might not have actually just been looking at my watch.
COP: It’s 4/20
ME: Yes, and I’m a dealer!
COP: Then you’re under arrest
ME: I’m a dealer at the casino, lol!
COP: Oh, haha! Is it a good place to work?
ME: No idea, I just sell drugs there
Who’s your best friend?
My doctor said if I wanna drop a few pounds I’d have to stay away from carbs
So I’ve been using this insanely long straw to drink beer
Just got ejected from my son’s little league game for arguing with the ump. I didn’t really care about the call, I just got bored and needed an excuse to leave.
[robber breaks into my house] i always knew you’d come for me, my darling. where are you going
Her: Tell me what you want
Me: A burrito
Her: No!! Tell me what you want in bed
Me: Oh! *gets in bed* a burrito
Mugger: give me your wallet and you won’t get hurt
Me: *handing over wallet* wanna be my friend?
Mugger: no
Me: *taking wallet back* but you said :’(
If you don’t think monkeys are adorable, then you can suck macaque.