You can’t make me jealous. You’re not my friends who send their kids to their grandparents for the summer.
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Dr: You understand, after this you can’t father children anymore.
Me: Got it.
[Later]
Wife: Can you just handle the kids for a moment while I-
Me : Nope. You heard the doctor.
A bank safety deposit box may seem extreme, but you don’t understand how hard it is to hide a box of Girl Scout cookies from my family.
I’m quitting modelling, I need more job security so I’m going to become a princess.
[being murdered]
me: are u Scottish
murderer: yes
me: then I guess u could say i’m being kilt
[murdering intensifies]
Apparently “my brain hurts” isn’t a legit reason to leave work early
murderer: [rips open my shower curtain] why are you wearing shoes
I quit enjoying makeup sex when I realized he looked better in mascara and blush than I do.
Being a parent to a preteen daughter is fun bc sometimes they’re mad at you for not letting them get a phone but other times they’re even more mad at you for not…[checks notes]…letting them get a pet venomous snake
People should come with disclaimers like:
May cause drowsiness or
Will end up sleeping w/your bf or
May induce homicidal ideations
I’ve got a bag full of stick figure stickers, and when I see an SUV I add random dudes to their families.
feb 14: i love everything about u
feb 15: don’t breathe like that
Me: [Eating pizza for breakfast]
Gym nerd: [pouring 8 flourescent powders into a gym bottle] I dunno how u can put that shit into your body
My doctor wasn’t amused when he asked how much I weighed and I said
One hundred and fat
*opens my lunch of hard boiled eggs, pickles and kombucha *
Why does everyone on this bus hate me?
Samantha from Facebook wants everyone to know she & her family are going on a cruise next week just in case you want to break into her house
FUTURE ME: i’ve come to stop you from wearing that heinous shirt
PRESENT ME: wait shouldn’t you be using time travel to kill hitler or something
FUTURE ME: it’s a really bad shirt jill
[Jeopardy]
Me: I’ll take common phrases for $200.
Alex Trebek: this comes before the fall.
Me: [buzz] what is summer.
Alex Trebek: sorry, the answer is pride.
Me: no Alex, I’m pretty sure it’s summer.
It’s that time of year again where I go to random restaurants to tell random women “So this is why you cancelled our date” while they’re with their significant other.
Catch a spark… Set the world on fire!
– Incinerational Tweet
Maybe naming my new hippie themed bar Free Spirits was a bit misleading. Lesson learned.
I never know what to do when someone tries to fist bump me, so I just slowly put their fist in my mouth
Any job can be a dream job if you have nightmares about work
ME: kids, santa’s not real you don’t have to worry that someone’s always observing you
ALEXA: he’s right kids relax
[ 25 years after my dad went to the store for smokes ]
Me: why did you abandon us?
Him: sorry. I went to CVS and the receipt just finished printing.
I want to jump in a time machine, find the person who decided the work week should be 5 days and the weekends only 2, smack them across the face, and come home.
I’m only looking for friends that could survive a hippopotamus attack.
Beauty and the Beast (1991): A woman develops Stockholm Syndrome, emotionally bonding with her captor at castle furnished with singing decor
Exhausted Parent PSA-
The chance you could mistake a raw chicken sausage for a banana when making a smoothie is small, but not zero.
My whole life is like that 2 seconds before you sneeze
You ever leave cardboard on the frozen pizza, and it starts smoking, and your family bans you from using appliances because you burn shit up?
Me neither.