You can’t make this shit up 😩
(photo not mine, nor is the pooh)
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there will never be a funnier headline than this one
So nice of you to stop by and visit. You must be very busy with all that (squints at logo on card) child protective servicing you do.
I heard my 4yo bump her knee on the coffee table and went over to kiss her boo-boo, like she usually asks me to do, but she said she kissed it herself and was feeling all better.
And now I’m jealous of my 4yo’s coping skills.
Optimist: the glass is half full
Pessimist: everything is dying
If only the door of my car had a warning light for when it was getting low on takeout napkins.
Moving to a new house-
Everyone: “congrats! That’s so exciting! Yay! Great news!”
My dad: “how’s the water pressure?”
employee: over 100 ppl were killed by the dinosaurs again
CEO: my God
[10yrs later]
CEO: what if we made a dinosaur theme park again lmao
Walking my 6yo out to the car and pointing at a patch of dead weeds in the yard he says, “Mom what happened to those plants?!” and I’m like “those were dead before I got here I did not kill them.”
Every time my Father in law gets trashed, he asks if I’ve lost weight… So naturally I bring a bottle of scotch every time we visit.
You can let me hold your baby I won’t drop it. If you think I’m the kind of person who would drop a baby you’re flat wrong. And if you’re the sort of person who believes unsubstantiated rumors about me dropping babies, well I just feel sorry for you.
I’m getting tired of always having to slowly raise my hand every time someone angrily asks, “Who does something like that?!”
The universe isn’t working so I’m going to turn it off and back on again. You will cease to exist for a few minutes. I apologize for the inconvenience.
So McDonald’s employees can spot the United healthcare CEO murderer but can’t spot the fries missing from my fucking bag?!?!!??
When I’m bored on a plane, I pull a random machine part out of my pocket and ask the person next to me “Do you know where this came from?”
Not to jinx this, but last time there was a highly anticipated London wedding on TV, the groom said Rachel’s name instead.
I just had a raccoon knocking on my bedroom window like a boyfriend trying to get in when your parents fall asleep.
Coffee so hot you pretend not to notice it when you’re out with your wife.
Are you thinking of putting a dozen Cheerios in a ring box on the kitchen counter with a sign that says “Honey, I Shrunk The Donuts”, just to keep your marriage exciting, or are you normal?
Daddy, where do oranges come from?
Well son, when a red and a yellow really love each other…
Him: Wanna bump uglies, baby?
Me: Ooh, yes please!* Grabs two ugly people and starts smacking them against each other. *
Son: Mom, set a 30-minute timer on your phone.
Me: Okay.
[30 minutes later]
Son: What keeps beeping??
Me: I have no idea
Gin & Tonic: 91 calories.
Banana: 105 calories.
Choosing the healthy option: Priceless.
i know a guy who loves saying “best thing since sliced bread” and i imagine hes always at a grocery store lookin at bread and just losing it
My career as a karate instructor was tragically curtailed when parents found out I was wholly unqualified & just enjoyed kicking children.
Impractical Joke: Replace my girlfriends house cat’s with mountain lions so she think’s she is shrinking.
Me: *clears throat*
Boss: You have a wee cough
Me: Thanks, see you in seven days
My cat: *standing on my chest to block my computer screen, pressing his nose to mine & staring deeply into my eyes*
Me: Well. Hi.
My cat: You’re very clingy.
I just poured a bowl of cereal and we’re out of milk. Cooking is hard.
My 3-year-old got a cut on her finger.
She’s holding it up to show people her band-aid.
Yes, that’s my kid flipping off everyone in the grocery store.
The worst part about getting kidnapped would be when the news told everyone your real height and weight.