You can’t mix skeleton and hellhound armies because the hellhounds will just bury the skeleton soldiers for later.
You Might Also Like
me: it’s the basis for all life on earth if you take my point so technically any form of romance is carbon dating
archaeologist: how did you find me?
Self-cleaning conscience
therapist: Any traumatic events from your past?
me: *deep breath*
therapist: besides the first ten minutes of Up
me: *slow exhale*
my friend accidentally liked someone’s very old photo on instagram when she was doing a deep scroll, panicked, n immediately CHANGED HER NAME AND PHOTO ON INSTAGRAM LIKE ASSUMED AN ENTIRELY NEW IDENTITY N GAVE HERSELF A NAME LIKE FRANK B. JONES JUST SO THE PERSON WOULDN’T NOTICE
Hi everyone! Welcome to AA. This is a “judgment free” zone…unless we’re talking about Janice who ate all the cookies last week.
As a dad it’s your duty to ask “how were the roads?” within fifteen minutes of a visitors arrival
Did you hear about the two thieves who stole a calendar?
They each got six months.
When you haven’t shaved in a while and your leg hairs sway better in the breeze than your neighbour’s stupid windchime
A friend said she thinks she should buy her teen a chastity belt. I said try perming her bangs, that worked well for me when I was younger.
No coupon is really “expired” if you cry hard enough.
My cat has been looking up at the corner of the ceiling and hissing at it for the past 30 minutes in other news I just put my house up for sale.
My sex drive has a dui
It turned out to be a huge mistake filling that pinata with healthy snacks around kids with weapons to beat you with.
Once a married woman “gave me a piece of her mind,”bc her (also married) TC retweeted me. I didn’t RT him, nor did I know the dorks were ‘TCs,’ but ok. Then he sent me DMs to say she was crazy.I didn’t respond so he told me I was a snob.
Anyway, I hate it here. I’m never leaving
I always carry a pocket of spare bolts at the carnival and hand two or three to the person taking the seat after me. “I found these. Weird?”
I take my ibuprofen wrapped in cheese cause why should my dog have all the fun?
You think you have a pretty strong marriage until you try to help your 5th grader with her math homework together.
If you haven’t heard from your boss in a few hours, be sure to message them and ask if they’re mad at you.
[Pollock family game night]
Jackson: K who’s gonna be my partner for Pictionary —
Mom: Not it
Dad: Not it
Sis: Not it
Gramma: DAMN IT
A baby that is starting to wake up from a nap is like a solar eclipse. Whatever you do, do not look directly at it.
if you were really my friend, you’d know my favorite kitchen utensil. it’s the ladle. ok we’re friends now.
I bought a new elliptical so that the treadmill wouldn’t be lonely in the dark basement.
[exchanging vows]
HIM: I’ll love you forever.
HER: I’ll love you until you leave me a voicemail.
HIM: Wait, what?!
PRIEST: No, that’s fair.
I think more men would go to therapy if it was competitive. “Fourteen points in healthier communication? Yes! Eat my dust, Kyle! You emotionally unavailable loser!”
Cult leader: We need to sacrifice a virgin
[Everyone looks at me wearing cargo shorts]
Me: What?
Driving to work, and I just reached down to touch my leg to make sure I have pants on.
The biggest mystery of our time
Calories are way less frightening if you think of them as points and you’re going for a high score.
So, if I take out a reverse mortgage on my house does that mean I’ll own a bank after 30 years?
I’d like to say I have a yoga body, but it’s really more of a Yoda body.
Resist all the cheese, I can’t.