You can’t offend me I have teenagers.
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Me: [takes bite of PBJ sandwich]
6yo: Mommmm! Don’t eat my lunch!
Me: [giggles] I’m just testing it first to make sure there’s no poison!
6yo: yeah ri-
Me: [collapses]
You can’t stop your dogs from barking by yelling at them. They’re just like hell yes we’re all yelling now let’s all keep yelling this is great
[inventing jazz]
a
me: what if music w
s
l i
k e
t
h
i s
All the baby books tell you that infants need to eat every 2 to 3 hours, but what they fail to mention is that this behavior continues until the child turns 18 and moves out of your house.
In a dispute with my neighbour, I dumped a wash basin on his front lawn. If he thinks I’m apologising, he’s got another sink coming.
I alway get the same thing every year for Christmas. Fat
Codpieces aren’t supposed to made out of fish? Crap! Hang on, then, I need to change.
Wondering when these skinny jeans are gonna kick in.
I think I overdosed on comfort food last night….
That makes 7,427 days in a row.
Told my husband I was packed and ready to go even though my flight doesn’t leave for 12 hours, and he offered to take my suitcases to the car as if I really am packed and ready to go 12 hours early.
The inventor of the tampon liked it, so he put a string on it
Me when the waiter asks if there’s room for dessert
[bedtime]
SON: Can you leave the light on?
ME: So it’ll be easier for the monsters to find you?
SON: What?
ME: What?
Our new dog has her first training class today where she will hopefully learn to stop dislocating my shoulder when she sees a squirrel on our walks.
I just heard my roommate mixing some beats except I don’t have a roommate and it was my cat throwing up.
Accidentally cut an old cat-5 cable and now the basement is flooded with internet.
High school teachers: your college professors won’t be nearly as laid back as I am
My college professor:
What’s the most upsetting moment in every movie? I say it’s when the hero goes into bar and orders “a beer,” never says what kind, and the bartender doesn’t ask
I love to give homemade gifts. Which one of my kids do you want?
I found the perfect sign for my ‘horse haters’ club
to revive an exhausted bee, leave out a little bit of sugar mixed with water
to revive an exhausted wasp, give it a cigarette and ask it if it really believes that god can kill it
ok so i’m watching gladiator and the romans are white people with british accents. ok hollywood. alright.
Sherlock: *deep breath* You’re a drinker, whiskey’s your poison but mum doesn’t approve. Upper management, no middle. You hate your job but it’s too late for a change. A droll existence, Stacy.
Starbucks Barista: I’m so sorry ma’am, he’s in training here’s your tall blonde roast
How come cats make the only sexy Halloween costumes? What’s wrong with a sexy llama or a sexy sloth or something?
Just now walking down the street eating a banana, I spotted a woman at a bus stop, also eating a banana. To her horror & mine, I was physically unable to stop myself raising my banana to her in a sort of banana toast. She looked v confused then, adorably, bobbed her banana back.
ME: I know it’s probably the beer talking, but you look beautiful tonight!
BEER: Hey buddy, don’t be putting words in my mouth now.
ME: Thanks for seeing me. Whenever I asked my father for help with these issues he’d just ask me if I tried sucking less.
THERAPIST: That’s horrible.
ME: Yeah.
THERAPIST:
ME:
THERAPIST: Have— *clears throat* have you tried that though?
This baby at McDonalds may have started the screaming competition, but I guarantee I’m going to win it.
As a funeral director, I always tie the shoe laces together of the deceased.The zombie apocalypse will be hilarious.