You can’t outrun your problems…
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My greatest joy in life is when a friend reads a book I recommend.
My greatest frustration in life is when they don’t read it fast enough
Me: I’m on social media because I want attention.
Scammers: Hi!
Me: Not like that.
Me: Goddamn this mac and cheese is crunchy
Wife: You’re supposed to cook it
Every history textbook chapter should start with “everyone was just minding their own business, and THEN”
MURDERER: could a murderer do THIS? *defendant proceeds to not kill anyone*
JUDGE: he’s got a point
Hiring a sky writer to remind my wife about the time I emptied the dishwasher.
hate when i type some normal shit like “i’m walking the dog” and my phone is like “did you mean: i’m🚶♂️the 🐶?” no i did not mean that because i am not the zodiac killer.
feeling dizzy
highly recommended, many stars
Meet the ghost of a boy who drowned in a pond by his boarding school, and the Latin instructor who drowned him.
Hubs: Why can’t we use the good china?
Me: Because that’s for if the Queen comes to visit
Hubs: um…
Me: oh bugger!
5yo: [loudly whispers] MOMMY, SEE? WE’RE LETTING YOU AND DADDY SLEEP! AREN’T WE DOING GOOD?
Me: [in bed] Yeah. You’re doing GREAT.
Candy isn’t bad for you if you keep it in a salad bowl.
Looking at his shirt, it’s hardly a surprise.
Airport Announcer: Please report any unattended items to TSA
Me: *sees random 3-year-old running around*
Me: *slowly reaches for phone*
As an imaginary forensic pathologist I’m pretty disappointed in how many full fingerprints I left on the scotch tape while wrapping presents.
*stops lecturing woman in white lab-coat and turns to camera*
“When my doctor first told me I was a ‘mansplainer’, I had a lot of answers.”
Ghost of Caesar: and what of my legacy? what now bares my name? Buildings? Mountains?
Me:uhh remember how you used to love romaine lettuce?
I wish they had an app that allows you to delete your number from other ppl’s phones.
” I made my famous dip for the office party”
You’re a regular Abe Lincoln.
“But he wasn’t a chef”
Exactly
An annoying part of life in the 80s was when you’re already late and, once again, you gotta shoo away some sexy lady lying all over your car
No one should be surprised that so many tweets are about unhappiness and failure. You don’t end up on Twitter by making good life decisions.
I bought an online course to improve my memory but forgot the password to access it
I owe my mom for pretty much all of who I am.
So, if you’re looking for someone to blame, there you go.
I just wanna be rich enough to not have to run onstage after concerts to get my bra back
Cat Negotiator: Ok, so we’ll shit in a box in your house and you will clean it up
Humans: And you will be a loyal friend
Cat: hahahaha sure
Naming my daughter “A Relationship” so I don’t have to worry about punks wanting to be in her.
the whole internet loves Stanley Cups, the viral cup that you can drink from! *5 seconds later* we regret to inform you the cup is poison
Friend: What do your kids like to eat?
Me: Anything that is on my plate, even though it’s also on theirs.
“pediatric patients say the darnedest things”
doctor: we need to draw some blood
4: [taking out crayons] ok but I get the red one
Before you decide to have kids, ask yourself: is this apartment goat-friendly?