”You can’t outsmart me! I know what you’re up to” I say to my cat. I lie
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Maybe I should’ve learned to code instead of majoring in Bermuda Triangle Studies
ME: i need to talk to you about something kind of awkward
GENE: what is it
ME: hygiene
GENE: hi kev
doctors won’t tell you this but reattaching a limb isn’t that hard what’s hard is getting it to stay after it’s had a taste of freedom
Despite evidence to the contrary, I still maintain typing louder and harder will magically make my incorrect password correct.
“What do you prefer strength or length?” *How I talk to my friends … apparently about toilet rolls
The downside to posting jokes all the time is that if I tweeted “Help, I am in an Iranian prison” everyone would be like “haha good one”
Believing that you are popular or “famous” on twitter…
…is like believing you are rich because you won a game of Monopoly.
[squirrel meeting]
Chief Squirrel: everyone, I suspect someone among us is an infiltrator
Owl: hoo
Chief Squirrel: (solemnly) that’s what we’re trying to find out Owen
Government: I can’t believe you committed tax fraud
Me: what? What did I do??
Government: wouldn’t you like to know
College goes from 0 to 100 so fast. You go from just hanging out for a few weeks then all of a sudden you have 4 exams 5 quizzes 6 speeches and 7 papers due in 2 days
good morning to every english teacher who woke up this morning like “today’s the day I assign a short story that will haunt them till the day they die”
Gmail: Please sign in again for your safety.
Chrome: oh wait, I remember the password, never mind.
A Southern Diner is a cross between Noah’s Ark and a Deep Fryer.
Some random lady took down our outside decorations because “Halloween is over,” and now I want to invite her inside because Dinner is over, and I don’t want to clean up from dinner any more than I wanted to clean up after Halloween.
The best way to stop uninvited guests from stopping by your home is to always answer the door naked.
Just got 30 orange oval stickers printed that read NOW HAMSTER FREE
I’m putting them on all the meatloaf packages in this supermarket
haha how about we make a pact if we’re both single in 6 seconds we get married?? haha look how nervous u are. times runnin out tho
Mathematics was simple until they added English to it
Target employee: Describe your lost item
Me: It’s a $400 rose gold Tory Burch wallet with 87 cents and 12 maxed out credit cards inside
Dear microwave companies,
Why make us select “cook” at all? Does my appliance have a calculator function or something?
Sincerely,
Everyone
Classic German Shepherd 😂
The year is 2543. Beyblades are a form of currency. Everyone speaks in emoji. President Woof outlaws all cats. Madonna releases a new single
The more I learn about Myself the more atheist I become.
If the Unabomber was so smart, why did he pick such a suspicious name
Nav: ‘Take the next left turn.’
Me: ‘That’s not right.’
Nav: ‘No shit.’
pikachu had tasted human flesh and now his hunger could not be satisfied
When I was little, I didn’t care what I wore. I just went along with what my parents chose.
When I look in old photo albums, l realize that they didn’t care either.
Co-Worker: Any of you ever smoke a turkey?
Me: No, I always have trouble finding papers big enough to roll it in.
Friend: I’m so tired of remakes and reboots and sequels! Make something original!
Me: Don’t you write Transformers fan fiction?
Friend: It’s GoBots fan fiction, and shut up.