you can’t piss me off. you’re not the doorknob i keep getting my clothes caught on.
You Might Also Like
Most people who think I’m a nice person have no idea that I’d trade any one of my kids for a deep dish pizza.
“Last night I was so drunk I replied to my own text”
Is it rude to interrupt someone’s wedding vows and ask if it’s time for cake?
I finally convinced Grandpa to watch Avengers with me.
Grandpa: Who’s that guy?
Me: Captain America.
Grandpa: Then the blonde must be Captain Hammer.
Me: No, that’s Thor.
Grandpa: …Thor? What, like from the Bible?
Me: Um… Yes?
Grandpa: I don’t like church movies.
The most realistic thing about Stranger Things is how much time kids in the 80s spent without parental supervision.
Remember the good old days when you didn’t know how to talk
~Me to my kids when they tell me my jokes are stupid.
i took a british guy home and when i woke up all my artifacts were gone
Guys…. Women aren’t hard….. And if they are… They aren’t Women.
Just found a best-by date of Oct 1623 on some apple juice so we probably oughta not drink that
It’ll make a big mess and practically break their teeth but they’ll keep eating it anyway
-inventor of the Biscotti
me: it smells like updog in here
me: what’s updog
me: not much dog what’s up with you lmao
me: lol
therapist: I see
TWITTER: something just isn’t clicking here
HORDE OF RACIST EGGS: [cacophony of immoral filth]
TWITTER: eliminate the looping video service
All of our friends were having babies, so my wife and I decided we might as well go ahead and get new friends.
4: am i asleep?
me:
4: mom??
me: i…i feel like this is a trick
If you can’t think of a word say “I forget the English word for it”. That way people will think you’re bilingual instead of an idiot.
Yeah it’s disrespectful when someone copies your tweet word for word to appear like they wrote it.
But honestly? It almost feels worse when you see someone copied your tweet AND it got no likes or retweets.
Like wait wtf why didn’t their friends like my joke tho? 😤 How rude.
I wouldn’t call it ‘passive aggressive’, but I do send the glitter Christmas cards to the people who annoy me.
drive thru: can I take your order?
me: no I want it
Me: Jimi Hendrix?
Daughter: Who?
Me: Beatles?
Daughter: Who?
Me: Doors?
Daughter: Who?
Me: Justin Bieber?
Daughter: Hate him.
Me: Thank God.
I just saw a squirrel dragging a wine bottle bag up a tree.
I think I found my spirit animal.
If you boil a funny bone does it then become a laughing stock.
My 4yo niece: “You’re fat”
Me: “Santa died”
A cell phone with a low battery is nothing more than a damn-cell in distress
Why do plane tickets have to be so expensive…you’re literally going that way anyway…just give me a ride.
doctor: any allergies?
me, remembering the time a loaf of frozen bread fell on my head: gluten.
I have a divorce case where I’m seriously considering hiring community theater actors to come into court and read all the text messages for the record.
I’m biased: I have four buttocks.
One day, a handsome man will look me in the eyes and lovingly say, “I’ve been looking for you everywhere,” and this time it won’t be law enforcement.