You can’t please me, you’re not the long straight block in Tetris.
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King: and you’re sure ALL the horses are helping, right?
King’s man: [watching a dozen horses smash eggshells into dust with their hooves] define helping
Me: This is the year I’m going to save money.
Also me: *googles, “how to purchase a baby elephant?”*
*sees cute boy checking me out*
me: our horde of children will have his eyes and my low standards
My 4yo picked up a toy and put it away without being asked, and I just stared at her like she was a woodland animal I didn’t want to scare.
You say kidnapping. I say surprise adoption.
Tomato, Tomahto
Get in the van.
My daughter quickly pulled my glasses off and threw them on the floor, and out of habit, I gave her my lunch money and stuffed myself in a locker.
OUCH I HAVE A FOOT CRAMP
You’re dehydrated
[Walks on toes]
Drink some water
[Crawls on knees]
Drink water
[Lays on floor]
Water-
[Dies]
If I lost a leg in an accident the worst part would be never being able to flush a public toilet again
I’m in a long distance relationship. My girlfriend’s in the future.
Well, we made it 9 years, but it finally happened. Every parents’ nightmare. In the middle of the night our daughter caught us in the act, right there on the couch. Eating ice cream.
Me: Let’s go shopping
Him: Let’s stay home
Me: Let’s talk about our feelings
Him: Let’s go shopping
Me accidentally flirting: Cute, sounds sincere, somehow gives the illusion of confidence.
VS
Me intentionally flirting: “WANT TO HUG? YOUR FACE GOOD. VERY EVEN”
“I’m glad you’re so normal. It’s refreshing.”
“That’s me- totally normal!” *waves off mariachi band waiting in the wings*
Me: Come on eat that.
Miss 10: I don’t want it, it makes me want to throw up.
[Sees my face].
10: In a good way.
When I’m drinking I wake up after a party, sore, going “what stupid things did I say?” When I’m not drinking I wake up after a party, sore, knowing exactly what stupid things I said.
My bra as colander, catching stray food since age 15.
Ever wondered why newborn’s clothes have pockets? They’re for their teeny tiny notepad & pen, so they can write down everything you’re doing wrong as a parent.
It was 80s day at my 8yo’s school so I told him to walk to school and be home before dark.
A cheap way to get Botox face is by walking your dog in zero degree temperature.
I’m thinking about starting a car service for dogs called the Scooby D’uber
I bought iliteracy for dummies but I couldn’t make any sense of it
Children are so giving. For example, my kids gave me a cold.
I never feel more productive than when I’m watching cleaning videos.
i like dropping bombshells on my therapist in the last few minutes so it feels like we’re ending each session on a cliffhanger
I exercised for a whole hour and a half. It wasn’t all on the same day but still
I wished I loved anything as much as white people love saying “gracias” at Mexican restaurants.
Girl seeing my torn jeans
Where’d you get those?!
*remembers trying to pee on a hill & stumbling backwards through thorn bushes*
The Gap.
Boss: I thought I said no costumes this week.
Me: These are my clothes.
Sharks apparently don’t like the taste of human so if you get eaten by one it wasn’t even enjoying it. just begrudgingly forcing you down. you’re dying as the ocean’s bread heel
“There’s no I in TEAM,” he yells. “There’s no COACH in LOCKER ROOM,” I respond. He leaves in stunned silence, and is never seen again.