You can’t rush stupid.
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Whoever you are, you can’t deny that
Harry Potter & the Fallopian Tubes
sounds like a legitimate title.
Don’t act like you wouldn’t read it.
[aquarium]
me: look at the chorse
wife: it’s seahorse
me: i know how to spell chorse linda
For the record, riding my unicycle to the bank robbery was a terrible idea.
Doctor: send me a message on the patient portal if you have any questions?
Me: what happens to our energy after we die?
Doctor: no, not like that
Me: do crabs think fish can fly?
Doctor: not like that either
Me: how many popsicles is too many popsicles?
Doctor: please stop
There are two sides to every story. Mine comes with french fries and cole slaw.
[Jedi Academy]
Why do you want to be Jedi?[Imagines using ‘the force’ to steal everyone’s cats and building a cat army]
To keep the peace
Just saved a guy from drowning by
throwing him a CVS receipt as a lifeline.He also gets 25% off his next rescue.
Pinterest could’ve been an amazing dating site. If the project ideas came with men to do them, there wouldn’t be a single cat lady left.
cab driver: how was your meal?
wife: it didn’t go down as well as we’d hoped
cab driver: that’s too bad
me: *still choking on a fish bone* why is no one helping me?
In space, nobody can hear you scream for ice cream. So remember, before trips to colonize the galaxy bring your Ben & Jerrys.
canadian assassins are called killergrams
So few educational toys today! As a kid, my Tonka dump truck taught me not to pinch the shit out of my finger between two metal parts.
There’s a big crane across the street from my work and I want it to reach over the street to us and deliver snacks at our front door
In medieval Europe, it was pretty easy to amass vast armies eager to go into battle and have their heads schwacked off because no one wanted to be alive in medieval Europe.
[coffee shop]
*casually puts arm around wife*
*reaches up to Free Wifi sign with a pen*
*changes last “i” to an “e”, draws downward arrow*
[first day as an art thief]
Me: (pointing gun at sculpture) give me your money
me: 11 can you come here
11: am i in trouble?
me: …no…but…should you be?
11: no.
me: sus.
Why do I have so many fruit flies in my apartment? All the fruit I have is either gummy or schnapps.
RIP to the iPod. Kids today will never know the glory of having these all listed as different artists
Death Cab for Cutie
Death cab for cutie
Death Cab For Cutie
Death Cab for Cu…
{playing Hide & Go Seek}
Me:*hides in pantry
Kids: ready or not here we come!
Me: *quietly opens bag of Cheetos
Kids: He’s eating again!
So a coffee break is when you stop drinking coffee for a minute, right?
Him: I missed you
Me: I missed you too
*we both reload our duelling pistols*
like how’d Scar’s mom know he was going to get a scar one day?
To all my friends who lost weight- I found it
Husband: You have a chip on your shoulder.
Me: You know that’s untrue because I would have already eaten it.
Asked for Cheez-its
Wife buys Cheese Nips
Now she’s sitting in the corner thinking about what she did.
The roof of my mouth just healed from that Hot Pocket I had in 2003.
Seekh Kebab
Not attention
Told my kid in my day, if I missed an episode of a show, might have wait years to see it again
He looked at me like I’d just showed him prison tattoos
2: mommy, grammy goes to bed with grandpa
me: yeah, hey can we talk about something else?