You can’t satisfy me in bed,
you’re not 7 pillows.
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Me: I’ll never be like my parents
Also me: If you kids don’t stop fighting, I’ll pull this car over and you can walk home!
[dollar store]
Me: I would like 700 dollars, please
The speed walking event just looks like a group of people hurrying to get somewhere to take a shit.
My spouse is “attending” a virtual conference for the next few days. To help simulate the real thing, I’ll set out a picked-over tray of mini-muffins, soggy cut fruit, and some weak coffee, and then whisk them away just as he approaches the table.
ME: I found my old playstation2 in the garage. we can just wire it up to the PS3 and boom, PS5
12YO: that’s not how it works
ME: okay, smart guy. which one of us had a D in math?
12YO: both?
A person’s true character is revealed when the shrimp tray comes out at a party.
Kid: I don’t like mac-n-cheese anymore.
DENIAL: You still like it.
ANGER: YOU WILL EAT IT!
DEPRESSION: *crying*
BARGAINING: If you eat it, you can have dessert.
ACCEPTANCE: I will make you chicken nuggets.Kid: I don’t like chicken nuggets anymore.
Baby detective: These stab wounds here, they-
*coroner covers the body with a sheet*
Baby: OH MY GOD. THE BODY! ITS GONE! WHERE DID IT GO
they’re called hooves, dummy🙄
Her: You’re all sweaty. Where have you been?
*Flash back to an hour long struggle of me trying to separate 2 shopping carts*
Me: The gym.
Just remember, you can’t please everyone.
So just focus on what’s important, pleasing me.
[to girl i just brought home] watch your step, i was playing with my legos earlier
i don’t delete messages just incase someone wanna lie about may 20th 1984
My son walked in from kindergarten and set his backpack down with a sigh. “Tough day today,” he said. “A lot of stress.” “What happened?” I asked. “We started the letter J today,” he replied. “It’s giving me lots of trouble.”
wife: where are the beans?
me: i made phones with the cans.
wife: can i talk to you in the kitchen?
small voice echoing from the kitchen: you can now.
“It’s impossible.” said pride. “It’s risky.” said experience. “It’s pointless.” said reason. “Ggrraadrttgrrtrr.” said Chewbacca.
How do I tell a guy that I’m only interested in him because I’d like to take selfies with his puppy?
The thing about my dogs barking is I can never tell if there is a murderer breaking in or if my neighbor closed their car door in the driveway.
You need subtitles.
Me to every 2yr old.
I’m at a stage in life where I still want to be sexy but
WHY DO YOU KEEP WIPING YOUR BOOGERS ON MOMMY?!!
[dying]
[pop-up message before my eyes] Your life will begin to pass in front of you after this advertisement
Why would my wife ask if I was wearing this shirt when it’s already on? Stop talking in secret code.
When Kanye rapped “Jesus was a truth seeker, he got crucified/ I bought a moose from a zookeeper, I got moosified”, I felt that
Give a man a six pack and he’ll drink for a day.
Give him a 24 pack and he’ll drink for a day.
If I ever run out of food, I can survive for 3 or 4 days on the stuff stuck to the walls of my microwave.
Wife: [watching the news] oh God, did you see Petsmart got robbed?!
Me: [loud barks coming from all 19 pockets of my parachute pants] nope
GIVE ME FUEL GIVE ME FIRE GIVE ME MILK THAT’S NOT EXPIRED