“You can’t scare me, you’re not my wife who I left on read for 2 hours”
– my husband right now, probably
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If I come home from work and my wife is gone, I always think the worst has happened. I forgot something she said we were doing that night.
[calls God on phone]
Hi, can you come get me?
nobody: …
my dog: yay !! look dad, I’ve found the dried chicken foot I hid in the bedroom.
Every millennial is obsessed with We Bought a Zoo because the idea of being able to buy any property at all is insane to us.
A warlock cursed me to forever be standing in line behind people trying to remember the name of a movie, and I know exactly what movie it is
Men are like my peloton – I always think going for a ride is a good idea and then 5 mins in I’m sweating profusely and questioning everything
Alexa, break up with my girlfriend for me.
Alexa: You don’t have a girlfriend.
Wow you’re fast.
Nighttime can be so great when you have insomnia. You can clean up the house, read, watch a movie or even rearrange your old racist neighbors garden knomes to make her think she’s losing her mind. I’ve really turned into quality ‘me time.’
Don’t tell your friend you like her sweater unless you mean it; she might knit you one.
If I have 5 apples and I give you 2 of them, just take the other 3 cause I’m going out for tacos
Sucks how every girl I’m interested in is either taken or has good taste in men.
I don’t need David Attenborough narrating animals I need Danny DeVito narrating divorce court
[Justice League HQ]
Batman: Hahaha *changes his HBO GO® password and doesn’t give the new one to The Flash*
88% of the lies parents tell their kids are that the store was out of the snack that they forgot to buy.
Daughter: dada what does nocturnal mean?
Me: it means active at night.
Daughter: like Batman?
Me: yes like Batman.
Daughter: dada?
Me: yes?
Daughter: am I nocturnal?
Me: [clock says 2 am] yes you are.
Daughter: am I Batman?
Me: what?
Daughter: [Batman voice] I’m Batman.
Whenever someone tells me “make yourself at home” at their house, I always clog their toilet
Govt: How many dependents do you have?
Me: 7
Dependents: [dogs in baby clothes]
some people wear bees as beards you say? well that seems pretty foolish to me because I have had only one bee on my face and it is terrifying
can’t argue with a guy that has curly hair 🤦♂️ whatever u say gorgeous
Wife: HOW IS IT ONLY WEDNESDAY?!
Me: It’s Tuesday.
Wife: HOW IS IT ONLY TUESDAY?!
My 5yo after I picked her up from school, “someone in my class died…” as I gasped she said, “his hair.” Idk why she had to add that long pause.
every time i take my teen to a flea market she buys a weapon, so i now know which room i’ll be running to in a home invasion
WHY not look a gift horse in the mouth what could it have in there
You ever notice how when you get home from food shopping, the kids turn into airport security?
Holy moly
For my new tattoo, I’m totally getting a chest piece of a chess piece, cause its fun to be a pun.
THEY’RE over THERE worrying about THEIR grammar, while YOU’RE right here concerned with YOUR punctuation. YOU’RE welcome TO share this, TOO.
As 2021 closes, I am reminded of a saying.
Time flies like an arrow…
But fruit flies like a banana.
It’s so annoying when attractive people say they’re ugly just to get compliments from people, ugh if I weren’t so ugly I’d do the same thing