Unless your vacation pics contain a shark attack please keep them to yourself.
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I just got hit head on by a crazy women riding a menstrual cycle.
Nurse: you’ve been in a coma for three months
Me: oh boy! I can’t wait to see Coldplay in concert
Nurse (standing 6 feet away): there’s something you should know
Me: what?
Nurse: Coldplay sucks
I woke up this morning and my hair looked like a Beatles lyric.
Here, there, and everywhere.
Me: *stuffing a ham into my pillow*
Wife: what are you doing
Me: it’s in case someone tries to stuff a ham into my pillow, they’ll be like “ah damn”
fridge ice dispenser: *10 minutes of grumbling sounds* fine you can have ONE!
*wife offers me a sip of her water*
m: Am I gonna catch what you have?
w: No
m:
w:
m: Are you sur-
w: You’re not going to get my period!
Cop: know how fast you were going?
Me: 30
Cop: faster
Me: 217
Cop: what? no 72
Me: 54
Cop: I already told-
Me: negative 12
Cop: get out
You ever think someone is breaking into your house and then realize oh, it’s just the clothes in the washer I started 5 minutes ago.
Why didn’t they call it Guardians of the Galaxthree
Ordered food and they got it right but labeled everything wrong. It’s like Russian roulette but if you lose, you still get a cheeseburger.
A fun, gender neutral thing to call your partner: FOOLISH MORTAL
So disappointed. Haven’t sold a single one of my “We Welcome Solicitors” signs on Etsy.
It’s amazing that whales have evolved to live for over 700 years and humans have evolved to spread misinformation online! Nature’s wonders!
I installed a bike rack on my car so my neighbors think I do something else besides drink.
Scientists use dead bodies? Jesus, I know they’re nerds but they should still be able to make living friends.
Me: Yay! No more periods!
Menopause: Wait, here’s a beard.
It’s ok. I killed the oregano flake on the counter.
I like to stand by the side of the motorway holding a sign that says “If you were me, you’d be here now.”
I once dated a girl so my pet rock wouldn’t be embarrassed after he threw himself at her window.
I was raised by pirates. We suffered from scurvy. I finally ran away to join the citrus.
I bought all this healthy food at the grocery store today and now I’m trying to decide if I want Chinese food or pizza delivered for dinner tonight.
if you want to know how much i love freedom i don’t have an oven we just shoot our food with guns until it is warm enough to eat
Last Christmas I requested the electric chair for my mother-in-law and Santa brought her a motorised recliner. FML!
doctor: are u drinking enough fluids
me: i’ve never drunk anything else
My mom used to beat me with a camera.
I still get flashbacks.
Unicorn
(ꪀ.) A single piece of corn.
My coworker is pregnant and they passed a card around and I didn’t know what to write so I just put HAVE A GOOD BABY TANYA
Obviously the Asian gentleman I saw flush the urinal with a karate kick doesn’t mind perpetuating stereotypes.
They say “pick your battles”, so today Oreos win.