You can’t stop your dogs from barking by yelling at them. They’re just like hell yes we’re all yelling now let’s all keep yelling this is great
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I’m starting to suspect the Christmas tradition of the kids cleaning the house for Santa while the parents nap is just something my parents made up.
The royal family has an opening for a prince and you better believe I’m sending out feelers.
My kids sure do make a lot of plans for being people who don’t know how to drive themselves anywhere.
Teens today stuck inside all day long playing video games.
In my day, we spent all day outside smoking hash oil & cigarettes with friends.
I like to think Jesus rose after, like, 20 minutes, but then had to spend 3 days trying to move the rock from the cave.
I’d rather my son bring home a pregnant girl than head lice
My cuz stole some money, landed in jail, wanted to fight everyone and threatened to shoot people, so that was the end of our Monopoly game.
I work in the entertainment industry, so the only way I could lie more is if I worked in politics.
My husband said we need to have an important talk, and guess what it was about? Time Travel. 👍🤣❤️
6: I hate corona virus!
Me: When it’s over you’ll have to wake up early to get to school on time.
6: I DON’T WANT IT TO BE OVER!
“I could stay awake just to hear you breathing…Watch you smile while you’re sleeping…”
Aerosmith = Romantic
Me = Restraining Order
My computer keeps giving me an error message saying “The Printer Can’t Be Found.” Uh buddy it’s RIGHT NEXT TO YOU, HELLO
I meant to type : You’re dear to me.
I actually typed : You’re dead to me.
Losing friends is easy.
Fantasy:
We run in slow motion toward each other across an open field.
Her side is mined.
Her: Oh, a handsome man like you must be used to compliments.
Me: Yes, but do go on…
[during sex]
her: hurt me
me: there’s only one season of firefly
somewhere a san francisco divorce lawyer is about to have a very exciting day
[pet shop]
ME: I’m looking for a dog that can talk
OWNER: Try this one
ME: [to dog] Can you talk?
DOG: No
ME: My search continues
I broke up with my high school girlfriend because I’m a nerd and she was a cheerleader, we were just wrong for each other. Also I never asked her out or even spoke to her, poor girl didn’t even know I existed.
*dresses like a kitty*
*climbs tree*
*waits for new fireman husband to come rescue me*
Hey guys I’m so thrilled to announce that I’ll no longer be thinking! This has been a lifelong goal, and I’m so grateful to everyone who helped get me here
Talking about me behind my back? Good. My ass likes attention.
Walked past a group of cats that meowed at me so I meowed back. They stopped meowing and now I’m worried I said something homeowphobic
Wife: Please stop telling people you bought me on eBay. It’s not funny
[Later]
Them: So how did you two meet?
Me: I did NOT buy her on eBay
Find you a woman that spends her night using lunchable meat to try stealing stray cats from the local gas station
Give a man a fish, feed him for a day.
Teach a man to fish in highly-contaminated water, feed him for a day.
Diarrhea is too hard to spell so I call it crapplesauce
Bummed my show about teenage girls working for their high school newspaper didn’t get an Emmy nomination. Better luck next year, ‘Cuntrags’.
i’ve seen the new gif of a guy cutting his pasta with scissors like three times today. i am just putting this buster keaton clip out there to show you where he copped it from —
I have almost 500,000 miles on my office chair …. So I got that going for me.