@eleniZarro

You can’t stop yourself
If I say this is a haiku
You’ll count syllables

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@sbellelauren

pregnancy tests should just read “pregnant” or “nope just fat”

@NolaChef504

Turns out there isn’t a single sexy explanation for having a fork in your bed.

@Jake_Vig

Today’s assignment:

If anyone asks you what you’re doing this weekend, grab them and shake them saying “What have you heard? WHAT HAVE YOU HEARD???”

@upsidedowntrash

[at séance]
Me: If you truly are a ghost why don’t you move this object
Ghost: If you truly are a human why don’t you get your shit together

@FunnyBison

*gives up being Catholic for Lent*

God: damn it… they’ve found the loophole

@juicymorsel

I accidentally had two energy drinks today and now my house is decorated for Christmas.

@KrunkedRobot

Jokes on you hot chick at the bar who gave me a radio station’s phone number I just won Harlem Globetrotter tickets and a Bud Light poncho.

@mc_funbags

People say that Twitter is pointless but it’s teaching my children to be self sufficient.

@squirrel74wkgn

I once beat boxed for over 6 hours trying to impress a girl before finding out she was deaf.

@elliothetherton

[Funeral]

He died doing what he loved; throwing rocks at bears and saying “it’s fine, they’re way more scared of us than we are of them”