You can’t stop yourself
If I say this is a haiku
You’ll count syllables
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I’m going to ask you guys a question… if you are in a car and you press the gas and the brakes at the same time, does it take a screen shot?
Whatever you say to someone, do it while slowly landscaping a tiny zen garden to really bring it home.
My GPS told me to drive up an off-ramp to get onto a highway going the wrong direction so I’m going to pass on getting into a self-driving car, thanks.
Wishing everyone who’s visiting their parents for Christmas a very water tastes wrong.
A pregnant family member is looking for a old-fashion social security number. What is your social security number?
You: Be kind. Everyone you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about.
Me, wearing a shirt that says “I am battling the moon and it is not a secret”: Ok.
Allow me to slip into something more out the window.
I’m the hottest mom hiding from her family in this pantry right now.
By the time you reach 45, everyone becomes an expert orthopedist. “It hurts where? Yeah, that’s your medial hip flexor tendon maximus. I had that last year.”
accidentally vacuumed up my air guitar
Feng shui consultant: The refrigerator shouldn’t be next to the couch.
Me: You’re fired.
They don’t seem to abduct humans like they used to; looks like we are not the only planet with government science-funding budget cuts. Sad.
Always stand up for what you believe in, unless what you believe in is sitting down.
Me: Quitters never prosper.
12-year-old: What about people who quit drugs?
I’m out of wisdom for today.
So tired of every man on dating apps saying they’re looking for someone spontaneous. Sir I have anxiety and a career I need a plan.
Plastic surgeons offer a rhinoplasty menu so you can pick your nose.
My roommate thinks our house is haunted but in the 182 years I’ve lived here I’ve not encountered any problems 🤷🏻♀️
Me: Are you done cleaning?
7-year-old: No.
Me: So what should you be doing?
7: Hiding.
She cleans like me.
CHEF: Someone needs to prepare the chicken
ME: I’ll do it *sits chicken down* look dude, this isn’t gonna be a good day for you
‘Let’s just agree to disagree.’
-Me, saying grace at the dinner table.
OH NO I DROPPED MY THERAPY HOT DOG
“i am a sweet baby”
Next time you decide to complain about your problems, just remember, some guy out there has Snooki as his mom …
Me: *wandering around ‘Free Speech’ rally* “Hey, when do they give out the peaches?! Anyone?!”
Be nice to your old friends. They have pictures of your hair from 1988.
I’m okay, you?
Yea. Not bad. You?
Yea. Not too bad. Wby?
Yea I’m okay. You okay?
Yes. Not bad. You?
Not too bad. You?
Yes I’m alright. You okay?
Yes ya know. The usual. You okay?
I’m okay thanks. How’re you?
I’m okay thanks. You okay?
I’m okay
Good
Okay
Bye then
Bye
You ever think about how there are people who can identify cars? Like instead of “brown truck” or “grey sedan” everywhere they go they’re all “that Mazda Myopia is turning left beside the 2017 Chevy Stigmata”. That’s so wild. It must be like seeing those colors only shrimp see.
the best way to avoid people outside stores with clipboards is by carrying your own
If anyone has a solid 3 hours on their hands, my 6 year old has a story about Pikachu he’ll tell to anyone who is willing to listen.
Whenever I tinker with the idea of a having a relationship, I go spend a night with my married friends.