pregnancy tests should just read “pregnant” or “nope just fat”
You can’t stop yourself
If I say this is a haiku
You’ll count syllables
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Turns out there isn’t a single sexy explanation for having a fork in your bed.
If anyone asks you what you’re doing this weekend, grab them and shake them saying “What have you heard? WHAT HAVE YOU HEARD???”
Me: If you truly are a ghost why don’t you move this object
Ghost: If you truly are a human why don’t you get your shit together
*gives up being Catholic for Lent*
God: damn it… they’ve found the loophole
I accidentally had two energy drinks today and now my house is decorated for Christmas.
Jokes on you hot chick at the bar who gave me a radio station’s phone number I just won Harlem Globetrotter tickets and a Bud Light poncho.
People say that Twitter is pointless but it’s teaching my children to be self sufficient.
I once beat boxed for over 6 hours trying to impress a girl before finding out she was deaf.
He died doing what he loved; throwing rocks at bears and saying “it’s fine, they’re way more scared of us than we are of them”